The Feedback Wheel in Relationships
Today we discussed a tool that I find helpful with couples, teens and really anyone you have a conversation with. In conversation, your tone, and how you are saying something can make a big difference. My example is with my husband. He is not usually a morning person, and I am. Sometimes, first thing in the morning, I’m thinking “you’re being a jerk”. Now, if I said that to him first thing in the morning, there's a good chance the rest of the day would not go well. And let's be honest, who wants to be called a jerk when they first wake up?
So in order to create a healthier dialogue, we work the following steps.
What you saw or heard.
What you made about it.
How it made you feel.
What you would like moving forward.
The first step is factual. No guessing or assumptions, just “When I said good morning, you walked away”. The second step, the story I made up “When you walked away I thought you were upset at me for being loud”. The third step is where you can talk about emotions; I felt hurt, lonely, scared. The last step can help to make the relationship stronger. What would you like? “When I say good morning, please respond, even if it's to tell me you are not awake yet”.
The feedback wheel can be very effective, but also takes time and practice. I was not eloquent in executing the model this morning, but I know how to work on it and will continue to practice it with my husband, kids and anyone I communicate with.
If you are looking for more tools to help with communication or are interested in a free consultation, please call us at 813-434-3639.
