Fighting Fair by Using Time Outs

Fighting Fair by Using Time Outs

Have you ever been in an intense conversation (AKA "fight") with your partner, and you know that it is no longer productive?? You realize that you're in the same old, same old method of arguing about the same old thing -- and you are well aware that things will just continue to go downhill? Are you looking for new ways of communication? A way that breaks the old patterns and might actually lead to a productive conversation? Learn more about Fighting Fair by Using Time Outs!

How to Know When You Need a Time Out:

Well, a simple place to start is this: How do you know when a child needs a time out?? The neuropsychiatrist and brain expert, Dan Siegle, would say it's when they've "flipped their lid" -- when the intensity of emotions outweighs pre-frontal cortex logical thinking. Have you ever tried to have a rational conversation with a three year old in the middle of a melt-down? It's simply not going to happen.

So, calling a time out when the air is thick with tension and the conversation is steering toward becoming less and less productive and more and more damaging puts an immediate stop-gap in place. Some space to calm down so that each of you can think more clearly and have a more productive conversation.

Now, before you compare your partner to a tantruming toddler, let's be clear that the best time out comes from the "I", not the "you" -- so it sounds like "I'm not liking how I'm feeling and my own behaviors that might come from this situation, so I need to take a step back".

Taking Time Outs Responsibly:

Because things are so heated in the moment of calling for a time out, it's important to talk the process through with your partner ahead of time, during a calm moment, so that you're on the same page with the benefits of taking a break, as well as what the process of reconnecting looks like.

Because time outs can easily be misconstrued as unhealthy withdrawal or Horseman of Stonewalling, responsibly using a time out means that you are very clear about explaining the time out with the intention of returning to the conversation at a later point.

This might look like a time out sign, or a code word like "sassafras", but know what this looks like before you're in the moment (remember, good communication skills are built over time and take planning!).

Agree that a time out means a time out. Don't stay and keep talking. Leave the room. Go for a walk. Put on headphones and your favorite play list. Pet the dog. Take a break.

Then come back a better version of yourself. Begin again.

Start with twenty minutes. Then touch base with your partner. Ready to have a different type of conversation? Great! Start fresh! Need more time? Agree to come back again in an hour and see how you're both feeling. Remember, the goal is to set the conversation up for success, not to rush through things in order to prove your point or be "right".

Keep in mind that some of the harder topics might need a 24 hour break, with slow conversation peppered with more breaks. Some of the super tough topics might require some extra support and professional guidance.

Ready for some help with those super hard topics?? We're here. Our Couples Communication Workshop can give you to tools to start having more and more productive conversations around the topics that typically end in arguments. Regular Couples Therapy can help, too. Not sure what's the best fit for you? Use the form below or call 813-434-3639 to schedule a free consultation with our Couples Experts!

Shamon and Yolanda are the co-Founders of Harper Therapy and are passionate about helping couples improve communication and connect more deeply. If you're a busy couple who want an exceptional of connecting more deeply in a day instead of over weeks of therapy, check out their Communication Workshop!