Beware the Four Horsemen : Improve Communication in your Marriage
You're in that dance again. Before in your relationship, the dance was the romantic waltz or the sexy tango. It felt natural and oh-so-right. But now, the dance is messy (and it's a token part of the Messy Middle of Marriage). It's more like the funky chicken or an awkward country two-step, where you and your partner are totally stepping on each others' toes. How do you recognize when the music starts and take steps to improve communication in your marriage?
What gets in the way of good communication? Drs. John and Julie Gottmann have identified the "Four Horsemen" -- patterns of communication that are deadly to relationships.The fact is that we can all fall into these patterns of communication.The important thing is to recognize them and practice their Antidotes instead.Let's take a look at these "Horsemen" and learn their antidotes to improve communication in your marriage.
1. Criticism
Criticism brings up an issue in a way that focuses on your partner's character or personality flaws instead of focusing on what you'd like for your partner to do differently.Criticism is an attack, but remember that behind every criticism is a request.
Try this instead:
Instead of criticism, try the Antidote, which is to Use Gentle Start Up.Gentle Star Up includes these steps:
"I feel..."
About What?
"I need..."Example: "I feel upset that dirty dishes were left out on the counter. I would appreciate if you would please clean up before going to bed each night."
** Bonus points if you're polite in your tone and even more bonus points if you can voice appreciation for your partner!!
2. Defensiveness
Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner for the problem.It sends the message "The problem isn't me, it's you!".
Defensiveness escalates the problem and the intensity of the interaction.Defensiveness can look like a counter-attack, or can be whining (playing the victim), or sometimes both at the same time!
Try this instead:
Instead of defensiveness, try Taking Responsibility, the Antidote to Defensiveness. The reality is that, in our relationships, we each are responsible for at least a portion of the pie. By recognizing your part, even if it's 2%, you help to de-escalte the problem, reduce tension, and possibly help your partner to consider his/her part in the problem as well.
3. Contempt
Contempt is the most destructive of the Four Horsemen and is the habit of scanning the environment to look for your partner's worst habits instead of looking for what you appreciate about them.It looks like sarcasm, cynicism, eye-rolling, and name calling, and it's the highest indicator that a relationship is not going to last.
Try this instead:
Fortunately, the Antidote to Contempt is to create a culture of Appreciation and practice describing your feelings and needs instead of "going for the jugular".
So, the key is express, Express, EXPRESS... Express Appreciation, Express Thanks, Express Fondness and Admiration.This change starts with you!
4. Stonewalling
stonewalling happens when you "check out" of the conversation.You're physically present, but mentally and emotionally unavailable.Typically, you're heart rate increases and stress hormones are released, making it impossible to think clearly and communicate effectively.Unfortunately, it's usually from this space that we attempt to have really difficult conversations ... and then are surprised that they don't go well!
Try this instead:
The antidote to Stonewalling is to Self-Soothe.This means take a break.Step away, go for a walk, listen to music, practice meditation or deep breathing.Do anything but try to communicate or ruminate on the situation! By choosing even one of these Four Horsemen to focus on and practicing their Antidote, you'll improve communication and your relationship!
Call Harper Therapy at 813-434-3639 to schedule your Couple's Therapy Session or use the form below to schedule a free consultation.
