Healing Requires More Than Just Words
Partner 1: “It is good to hear a sincere apology from your partner after the affair and feel validated. But, you need more than words, you also need to see some change because to you, actions speak louder than words. You are finally getting to open up about why you feel insecure about your partner texting other people, or why you feel that you need more quality time together. When boundaries have not been in place, it can be uncomfortable to talk about them and to trust that your partner will respect them. It’s hard to believe at times that the changes will last.”
Partner 2: “It feels good to have your partner hear your side without getting into an argument. You can express your needs and open up about what was missing for you in the relationship prior to the affair. It is important to recognize in this process that you cannot force healing or forgiveness. It is important to remember that things do not change instantly. It takes time and consistency to adjust to the new rituals and sometimes the growing pains in establishing a new foundation for the relationship can seem overwhelming. But you know it’s worth it because you love your partner and you want to make it work.”
Both parties in a relationship need to show motivation that they want to change in order for the relationship to last. If there is motivation, then you have the opportunity to clarify the rules and set up boundaries about what is acceptable and what is not. Once you have all the cards on the table about what you will and will not accept, you can set up new rituals that help to build trust. These could be things like sharing your phones or accounts, keeping each other updated about what you are doing and who you are with, making changes in your lifestyle to prioritize each other, providing support to each other whether it is emotionally or helping with household chores.
One of the most important steps towards healing is open communication. This looks like being able to express your discomfort and negative feelings to your partner without being explosive, and for your partner to listen and empathize even if they disagree. The goal is not for you to always be on the same page but to be able to talk about the uncomfortable and share different points of view without being reactive or taking it personally. Instead, you can let your partner know they are being heard. You can disagree without making it into a fight and still be connected. As time progresses, you feel safer and more comfortable talking to your partner and setting boundaries. With practice, it will be easier to connect with your partner emotionally and enjoy your time together. At Harper Therapy, we can help learn healthy communication skills so you can set boundaries and discuss the hard stuff.
Give us a call today to get started at 813-434-3639.
