Musings on Motherhood
When we were preparing for our youngest child’s birth -- 18 years ago and with two other little ones at home, just days after 9/11 -- I had no way to comprehend what the next 18 years of parenting would bring. Parenting is, after all, one of those things in life that you have to just live out, no matter how much you’ve done to “prepare”. Not only were we adding a third child to the family, but we were adding a girl to our testosterone-filled home.
We are, by no means, perfect parents. I’m certainly not a perfect mom. Our kids are nowhere near perfect. I’m still in the parenting trenches as I continue to be a mom to these adult children -- and we still have a Senior year of high school to complete. But this milestone of the “baby” turning 18 seems significant and offers a moment to pause and reflect. And, in doing so, here are some musings on motherhood.
Here are some things that I’ve learned (and am still learning):
Get clear on what’s most important to you in your parenting. What values do you want to practice and instill in your kids? In a society where countless opinions and alternative priorities swirl around, it’s necessary to be able to come back to what’s most important to you.
Parenting is a paradox. Every season of parenting, from infancy, toddlerhood, school-aged, preteen, teen, to parenting adult children, is simultaneously bone-crushingly hard and breath-takingly beautiful, depending on the moment. Part of parenting is learning how to ride the waves between these extremes -- and remember, in those hardest moments, that better days are coming.
Find your parenting “tribe” and hold them close. Everybody has ideas about how you “should” parent (and, unfortunately, in our society of social media anonymity, are all too ready to tell you how you’re doing it wrong!), so find the people in your life who have earned the right to hear your story, who can be present with your struggle without judgement and “fixing” it. Also, as I’ve had my musings on motherhood, I realize how beneficial it’s been for me to have someone in my life who is just ahead of me on the parenting journey, to offer encouragement during the hardest parts, as well as someone behind me on the path, who I can offer words of encouragement to.
Having a mantra when I’m feeling “in the weeds” has been so helpful for me. Mine is, “This is completely developmentally appropriate. I hate it, but this is what kids do. I can put some boundaries around it, but my kid is just doing their job at being a kid.”
Give yourself permission to let go of being “perfect” and allow yourself to be a “good enough” parent. Our kids don’t need for us to be perfect. They need to see us model making mistakes, circling back around, reconnecting, and making amends with them.
One of the biggest take-aways as I ponder my musings on motherhood is how parenting offers us the opportunity to heal some of our own childhood wounds. We we enter into parenting, we usually want to raise our kids in the same was we were raised OR in the exact opposite way. Being curious about the parts of parenting that feel especially important, fearful, tender, BIG can help us be more of the version of the parent that we’re striving to be without carrying the extra baggage of our past.
While this are my version of my own musings on motherhood, this list is certainly not exhaustive. What would you add, based on your experience.
Know that Harper Therapy is your Home of Hope, Growth, and Healing of your past to help you to be the parent you are striving to be. If you’re ready to work through your wounding childhood experiences and have a fresh start to your own parenting, call us at 813-434-3639, schedule a free 15 minute consultation to see how we can help!
