Managing Multigenerational Living Arrangements: Stuck in Between the FOOBS and the FOPBS
Welcome again to our corner of the web for hope, growth and healing! We have spoken in the past about couple’s, teens’, individual therapy, and today we want to add some information regarding family dynamics and family therapy. Today we'll discuss managing multigenerational living arrangements: stuck in between the FOOBS and the FOPBS.
Before we start, we just want to clarify two acronyms we used: FOOBS= if you have watched our fb lives or read our previous posts, you may be familiar with FOOBS, if you have not, FOOBS stands for Family of Origin “B.S.”. The stories, patterns, trauma we carry from the family from where we come from. FOPBS=is Family of Procreation “B.S.”, which are the stories, patterns and trauma that we create in the family that we made. With those two terms being explained, let’s dive into some family tidbits.
We live in a fast paced world, a productivity driven and money hungry world, which makes living very expensive, work hours longer, and when people are on a fixed income, surviving can be a challenge. Sometimes we overlook how the economy can impact emotional state and even the way families work, beyond the usual financial worries of paying mortgage, rent, groceries and utilities. Because of the change in the economy, living arrangements have changed, and the “traditional family” idea has shifted. Nowadays we find individuals and couples living with their parents, and their children under the same roof. Sometimes there are even 4 generations under one roof. Homebuilders are including “multigenerational floor plans” to their offerings. These arrangements have several reasons; medical/healthcare reasons, financial reasons or getting help with childcare are the most common.
Because of this multigenerational arrangement many of us find ourselves caught in between the FOOBS and the FOPBS. This blog is to figure out ways to manage the arrangement in a healthy way and find a middle ground that helps everybody grow. These are 10 basic ways of managing the multigenerational living arrangement so that most members of the family can come out at the other side feeling successful and emotionally healthy.
Acknowledge that there will be an impact in the family, because you have more than one or two adults making decisions or at least giving their opinion about how the household can be run. Listening to all opinions before bulldozing over family members will be a healthy approach. You do not have to use all the opinions offered, but they can all be considered in a thoughtful manner.
Patterns from FOO could be repeated in ways that are unhealthy…talk about this. Establish a family meeting t discuss how FOO patterns fit into FOP desired patterns. Your parents or grandparents may be of the school of thought that children should be punished, whereas you are from the school of thought that children should be redirected with consequences and/or rewards. Have these conversations about how and who will address these events at home.
Not all FOO patterns are unhealthy. Use and establish routines, rituals, traditions and celebrations that can enrich and nurture family connections.
Cultural and generational practices may be different. Let’s establish an environment of respect. Let us not belittle, diminish or dismiss the other generation’s view of life. Let us model respect toward our FOO members so that our FOP members can learn and can treat us with that same level of respect. You can have different opinions, views of life, and still respect each other as humans.
If one generation is taking care of your FOP, or vice versa, your grown children are taking care of your elderly parents, create a culture of gratitude by either paying them, or making sure that they get time to themselves, time to explore friendships, hobbies or activities during leisure time.
At family meeting, establish clear expectations for all members living under the same roof, from how bills are being divided, due dates for payments, to how is the kitchen expected to be cleaned, laundry schedules, use of family cars and how are we going to address issues that come up (tone, level of respect and times for additional family meetings).
Have a family command center. At this Family Command Center you can have a central calendar that is shared, where all doctor appointments, school events, work schedules, drop off and pick up from school rotations and vacation time are written down. Discuss this during your weekly (or at the least monthly) family meeting.
Establish practices of compassion and self-compassion. Nobody is perfect, our parents made mistakes, we will make mistakes, our children will make mistakes…it’s an inevitable part of life!
Reach out to a therapist who is understanding of family dynamics and willing to meet with all family members if needed (must have a comfortable conference/group room!)
Embrace the beauty of this new way of living and take time to be present, because parents and children will leave…Now is the time to cherish them!
Yiara Blanco, Psy.D * Couples Specialist * Harper Therapy
That’s all for this blog, friends. If you felt identified with this information, if you are living the multigenerational living arrangement life and need some support, feel free to give us a call at 813.434.3639.
Until next time; stay present, live to the fullest, be open to change.
