Book Corner: Eight Dates
Hello friends! Welcome to our experimental venture:
“The Book Corner: Eight Dates”
As therapists we use many books as supplements in our therapeutic sessions. Some clients ask for “homework” and we are pleased to share with them what we have seen as effective tools. In the spirit of opening this up to a community conversation, throughout the year we will present some of our favorite books and give you a very abbreviated summary of their contents. We are not book critics, we are not getting paid for these reviews, but we do this because we enjoy books and their power to evoke change in our lives! Hopefully your interest will be peaked, and you will check it out or download it from your local library, or buy it at your local or online bookstore/vendor.
We decided to start with “ Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love”. This book is a collaboration by Dr. John Gottman, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, Mr. Doug Abrams and Dr. Rachel Carlton Abrams. Between the four of them you get over 50 years of work experience with couples, so when we read this book, we are getting knowledge from the source!
The book is an easy read, because it reads as if you were having a dialogue with the writers and the real life couples featured in every chapter. It’s an invitation to have the difficult yet defining conversations that relationships need to be effective and successful. All couples can benefit from it; from those just starting, the ones newly engaged, the ones married for many years and those needing to renew the relationship.
The introduction guides you into understanding which conversations matter the most, based on research. It explains how the research took place, but without being a tedious read, and how they decided to choose these particular eight dates. Then it walks us through the skills needed as part of the art of listening.
The eight date conversation topics are; trust & commitment, addressing conflict, sex & intimacy, work & money, family, fun & adventure, growth & spirituality, and dreams. We recommend couples read Date #2: Addressing Conflict, before delving into the other dates. Learning how to agree to disagree is going to be a tool that they will need in order to address differences of opinions that may come up when discussing trust and commitment.
The book will give you questions to answer for yourself and that then you will share with your partner. It gives suggestions on where to have these dates, and even offers options for “stay at home dates” in case childcare or budget are an issue. The clients who have worked with the book have reported feeling more connected, more understanding of themselves and their partners at the end of the date…and isn’t that what we are all looking for?!
The book closes with an exercise encouraging us to cherish our partners. It has a list of bonus dates and a list of open ended questions to deepen the knowledge of each other and the connection.
We recommend getting two books, one for each person, because this book lends itself to be written in, highlighted and reviewed. Answering the question in your own book will also give you a better understanding of who you are as a person today versus who you were when you first met. We would also recommend revisiting the book at least every year, to see how things have evolved. Finally if you are new to the relationship, this book can help you and your new partner figure out what areas you share, agree and disagree on. It is a way of starting a new type of conversation, which will most likely be different from the relationships you have observed in your life (FOOBS anyone?!).
This is our take on The Eight Dates, by the Gottman’s and Abrams’. To check out some of our previous blogs check here If you wish to join the discussion, look for our video related to the book and comment. If this topic peaked your interest and you would like to work on this at a deeper level, give us a call at 813.434.3639.
Let Dr. Yiara Blanco be your home for hope, growth and healing!
