Work Hard for the Money
Do you find yourself buying things and hiding them in order to prevent an argument? Not knowing if your partner has hidden accounts? Being told you spend too much? Do you have to ask for money to buy the basic necessities for self care? Are you afraid that there will be a knock at the door and it’s either a Sheriff with an eviction notice, the utility company coming to turn off the gas or a repo truck about to take the car from the driveway? It’s all scary, especially when you’ve been chastised for asking about it before. It’s financial abuse!
You are listening or reading this and saying, “No way, we have a nice place, cars, kids are well dressed. We’ve been behind a time or two, but that was a slip of memory, it happens to everyone, it can’t be financial abuse!”. But let me ask you some more questions…Do you have access to all accounts, joint tax returns, passwords for bank accounts and retirement funds? If something were to happen to your partner, or if you needed to leave the relationship, would you be able to survive, do you know where the family assets are allocated?
Financial abuse is difficult to point out because we live in a society where talking about money has been deemed rude. It’s also difficult, because although we are a “progressive society” we still hold gender roles close to heart, where one person takes charge of finances in the home. However, financial abuse, like all other types of abuse, grows in secrecy and shame!
Look out for these red flags:
Partner controls access to accounts and you are left out of password sharing.
Uses your accounts, credit cards or even your name for financial transactions without your knowledge or permission.
You are not allowed to have your own accounts, or all the accounts are under partner’s name alone.
Withholding money or giving you an allowance.
Demanding an explanation of every cent spent, regardless of whether you work outside of the home and are an earning partner, or you are a stay at home partner who supports partner’s career by taking care of everything else.
Controlling if you can or cannot work (including insisting on pregnancies, or having non-consensual sex that would have one person staying at home and dependent).
Dragging mediation or divorce proceedings that can leave you in the red.
How to move from financial abuse:
If you are getting to know a partner, speak up about financial standards, financial goals, how their parents’ managed money, how the person manages their own money now and how do the two of you see finances if you decide to take the relationship to the next step.
If you are already in a relationship, ask yourself if this is a partnership or are you living under the same roof with a dictator.
Know that you are not alone, and you can reach out to a therapist, trusted friend or family member, or if you have noticed there is no way back, then reach out for an attorney.
We hope that this heart-to-heart conversation will be helpful. If you or someone you know can picture themselves in this situation and would like to start a therapeutic process, feel free to call 813.434.3639 and let Harper Therapy be you home for Hope, Growth and Healing!
