Sticks and Stone May Break My Bones, but Words Can Never Hurt Me
If you have found yourself in the middle of the argument and all of a sudden you think…who is this person yelling at me, and why am I here listening to these insults. It’s like you are watching a movie and everything froze as the camera spans around, you can see yourself but then you can’t connect with yourself and the song in the background is that children’s song of “sticks & stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me!”
Lies! That song lied! It hurts! It hurts like hell!
This happens more often than we think, from young couples to those with graduate degrees and successful careers, it does not discriminate. Relationships can become volatile, and verbal abuse rules the land when that happens. It’s not just punches, kicks and bruises that are included in intimate partner violence, it’s also the demeaning, degrading name calling and jabs. The words that kick you in the gut of an already injured sense of self-worth. You start asking questions like; Is it true that I’m a bad mom? Is it true that the only good thing I’ve done is donate the sperm? Is it true that I’m annoying and unlovable? The questions trigger a cycle of self-doubt and defensiveness that is constantly triggered by the partner’s approval or disapproval. You find yourself walking on eggshells, giving in to demands because you don’t have the strength to argue anymore or listen to somebody drag you through the mud again, you feel like you’re ready to throw in the towel. If this sounds way too familiar, let’s talk about abuse in a relationship.
Abuse includes inflicting physical pain, it also includes unwanted intercourse within the partnered couple, and it includes emotional and verbal pain such as “you are stupid”, “you’ll never find anyone to love you like I do”, “can’t you do anything right?!”, “all you do is nag”, “what do you do all day?”, “this is my house and I’ll do as I please”, “be careful of what you say, I can take the kids away”, “nobody will believe what you say, I’m well known in the community, they will believe me”. It’s usually the first step into an abusive relationship, and it fits the cycle of domestic violence because it instills fear and an underlying layer of mistrust in the relationship.
Signs of Verbal Abuse:
After a disagreement you feel worse than before
You have been called “crazy” or the previous partners have been called “crazy”
There has been a slow progression towards isolation. You don’t spend time with family or friends, whether it’s because partner blatantly prohibits it or because partner’s behaviors and ways of speaking around these support groups is embarrassing.
It feels like the person has two different ways of acting and speaking, the way they act & speak to you and the way they act & speak to others (Jekyll & Hyde).
Communication is cruel, full of cursing & sarcasm, it’s degrading and belittling of anything you have accomplished. It can go from openly yelled threats to silent treatment.
How to cope with verbal abuse:
Know that you are not alone. Whenever possible seek out therapeutic support.
Within the therapeutic support you will be able to identify patterns of behaviors that the partner may have and that can help you be proactive in your responses.
Set boundaries Some partners are open to therapy, seek out couples’ therapy. This is not necessarily going to “save” all relationships, but it will give the two of you a better understanding of why this is happening and how to work with it.
Be compassionate towards yourself.
You are not at fault for the abuse. At times, the hard decision of leaving may be the next best step, therefore make a safety plan with someone you trust.
We hope that this heart-to-heart conversation will be helpful. If you or someone you know can picture themselves in this situation and would like to start a therapeutic process, feel free to call 813.434.3639 and let Harper Therapy be you home for Hope, Growth and Healing!
