I’m Failing As a Parent, How About You?
At Harper Therapy when working with teens we take a systems approach. We ask that parents be a part of their kids' sessions about once a month. Sometimes this is just a check in, to see if we are on the right track, or sometimes it can be a full family session. The family session comes when the teen is ready to have that hard conversation. That difficult conversation is usually pointing out that when a teen asks for therapy, it's typically a symptom of a bigger system issue going on within the family. Read that again. That can be a really hard pill to swallow.
I had my wake up call when my son was diagnosed with anxiety at 3 years old. I looked at the doctor and said “what do I do?”. That's when my son started play therapy. When I signed up for the weekly sessions with my son, I had no idea how much work it would be for me too. This is where I learned the importance of teaching my son emotions. I had to get curious about my own emotions and that was not easy. Up until that point I had been living in the “I’m fine, everythings fine”. But it wasn’t. I was trying to dig in and own up to some of my big feelings and recognize where they came from. One of the first emotions I had to dig into was shame. That emotion came up A LOT, especially when I thought about my parenting. I mean c’mon, my 3 year old needed therapy. I learned when I am in a shame cycle, I yell. I yell at my kids. Now, I try to have more conversations with my kids about my feelings. Don’t get me wrong, I still yell. I’m Italian, it's only natural. When I’m done yelling, and I’ve thought about where that emotion was coming from, I have a conversation with my kids. I could have stayed in the “I’m fine, everythings fine” world. Eventually it would have caught up with me. I’m grateful for the wake up call.
If your teen is asking for therapy, that's a sign. If you ask your teen how their day was, and you hope they give you the nonchalant “fine” response, that's a sign. You and your family have an opportunity for growth and try to do things a little better. You can rebuild that connection that you lost with your teen, just by putting words around that emotion that they couldn’t explain and helping them feel seen. If you and your teen are ready to reconnect give us a call at Harper Therapy, 813-434-3639.
