Addressing The Elephant In The Room: Domestic Violence During the Holidays

Do you find yourself tiptoeing around topics? Do you find yourself censoring yourself during a conversation at a party? Do you find yourself looking at your partner after making a statement to see if he or she approved? Do you find yourself making excuses for your partner’s tone of voice or reaction? Do you find yourself cancelling get-togethers with your emotionally healthy friends or family members? Do you find yourself covering up bruises with scarves, turtlenecks, long sleeves, or makeup? Do you find yourself forced to have intercourse against your wishes and desires?

If so, let’s talk. You are most likely afraid; this moment is a safe “place”. You are probably living in a relationship where emotional, psychological and/or physical/sexual abuse is the norm, and the holidays exacerbate domestic violence patterns and behaviors.

Domestic violence (also known as Intimate Partner Violence – IPV) happens in all types of households. Your education level, socioeconomic status, race, ethnicity, gender, religion does not matter…domestic violence happens, and if you are living through it, we want to let you know that it is not a sign that you are weak, or that you are bad, or that you are to blame. Holidays can be the hardest when living in a Domestic Violent household.

Holidays are a basket of mixed emotions for all. There are moments of joy, there is sadness, and there is fear. This is a time of year, where most people take time off, which means that the person living in an abusive relationship is more likely in closed quarters with the person perpetrating the degrading, soul wrenching abuse.

Individuals that are usually reactive, volatile, explosive, tend to become more stressed during the holiday. They tend to attribute this exacerbation to financial stressors, having to plan events or going to gatherings or are stressed with the task of shopping. This is a time of year where “social drinking” is more acceptable, and individuals who imbibe in spirits lose their filters, become more aggressive and do not respect other’s opinions or personal space. Control of the partner becomes the norm, because they see the partner as a representation of who they think they are and who they want the external world to see, and if you do not fit that persona, they blame you when there is no blame to place on you. Let’s repeat that…the abusive behavior that comes from that other individual IS NOT YOUR FAULT! End of story…no ifs or buts about it.

The cycle of domestic violence has several stages:

1.     Tension building. Where partners don’t speak about events that bother them, or ignore dismissive, degrading and unhealthy comments. One person tends to become fearful and tries to placate the abuser.

2.     Incident. Where there is a clear act of threat, intimidation or abuse.

3.     Reconciliation. The abuser tends to apologize, minimize the event, and usually shifts blame on to the partner (gaslighting).

4.     Calm. The event is “forgotten”. There is gift buying and giving in order to “buy” the good graces of the affected partner. And there is usually a more caring, loving, affectionate person where the volatile partner used to be. Some people call this the honey moon phase. 

Although it may seem difficult to leave a relationship where Domestic Violence exists, there are safe ways out. It requires support from therapists, maybe even lawyers, and emotionally healthy friends and family members. It requires an exit plan that is well thought out and executed with the understanding that you deserve a better life than the one you live with the abuser. It is recommended that individuals in abusive relationships know their local police department phone number, the number of your city’s crisis center, knowledge of where to find a shelter, and know the number for the National Domestic Violence Center (800.799.SAFE).

 Holidays can be stressful but they do not have to be scary or life threatening. If this blog has given you something to think about and you see yourself or a loved one in it, feel free to read again or share.  Harper Therapy works with trauma, and we could offer a space to work with the aftermath of an abusive relationship. Feel free to give us a call at 813.434.3639.