Hitting the Pause Button On the Critical Voice in Relationships
A common theme I see in couple’s therapy is that one or both individuals will talk in a critical manner when upset. What I mean when I say critical is a harsh tone, a need to be right, frequently correctly the other person’s actions, insulting the other person, and/or frequently expressing displeasure.
When there is criticalness in a relationship this can impact many areas of the relationship.
Communication- Positive communication is the core to a happy relationship. If one person is speaking from that critical place the other person may start to shut down and not want to express their opinion or emotions. From this an avoidance pattern can start where the other person is shut down and not happy but they are not voicing it. It also can look like the other direction where if one person is critical it can cause their partner to respond critically and it can get into the relationship dynamic where you are just arguing over who is right and no effective communication is occurring.
Intimacy and sex- Intimacy can be impacted because if one person is overly critical the other person may feel not as comfortable being vulnerable or authentic in the relationship. Without vulnerability, it is hard to have that emotional connection which is an important aspect for sex and intimacy to occur.
Fun and positive time together- If one or both individuals are critical it can cause a shift in the way you both relate to each other. The relationship can be tenser, the other person may start to hold resentment and have trouble being in the moment. The passion and connection may fade and arguments may be higher. Or there may be no communication occurring. All this can lead to lack of a desire to spend time together and lack of effort towards planning date nights.
There are ways to fix the critical voice if you notice it in your relationship! Do not feel that it is something that is not able to be changed or that your relationship is over. This is something that can occur in many relationships. Before acting I want you to hit pause on that remote and follow the steps below
First way to change it is to recognize that you may be doing it and that this is an area you would like to change
Then hit pause and take a deep breath when you notice that you are triggered or frustrated
Notice your tone and take time to think about the way you want to say something. Avoid telling someone “how it should be” and avoid insulting the other person’s character or actions. Come from a place of request versus demands
Keep in mind what need you are trying to get met versus trying to “just be right.”
Remember your partners positive qualities to help you stay in the soft-spoken place
And lastly, pick your battles. Is this an important thing to mention or bring up? Or is it just you want things done your way?
Jennifer Schaap
So if you’re looking to improve your relationship, and fix your critical voice, give our office a call at 813-434-3639 to schedule a consultation with Jennifer Schaap!
