The Problem With Fighting With Your Adaptive Child

Adaptive child is something we all have. An adaptive child is resourceful, smart and helped you when you were a child, but it is now something that may be hurting your relationship. Your adaptive child comes from childhood family of origin BS.

For example, if you came from a family that was critical and did not allow you to have a voice, your adaptive child may have learned to shut down at the first sight of conflict. Or if you come from a family where emotions were high and your family talked through yelling and arguing you may have learned that’s how I will be heard and need to raise my voice so others can hear me. Like I said above, this works when you are a kid because you needed to adapt but in a relationship, this can be destructive especially if your adaptive child triggers your partner's adaptive child.  Where you want to be is in your functional adult. 

Some characteristics that define an adaptive child are, black and white, rigid, perfectionist, harsh, tight in the body, and relentless. Versus functional adult would be, nuanced, realistic, flexible, warm, humble and relaxed in body.

You do not want to have a conversation when in your adaptive child because no constructive communication will occur. An example of argument someone can get into when both people are in their adaptive child can look like this, 

Partner A is ignored and his adaptive child is enacted because he feels abandoned so he starts to tense his body and start to yell

Partner B is starting to feel attacked like her parents talked to her as a kid so her adaptive child is enacted and she starts to shut down and stop talking.

Both of these tools might have worked as a kid but now it may be pulling a couple farther apart. If one person is in their adaptive child and the other in functional adult that is still not ideal because the communication pattern will be adult to child talking. Best thing to do when you are in you or your partner is in your adaptive child is to call it and notice that someone is not in the functional adult in the moment, take a time out, and do a grounding exercise to get back into functional adult.

This can look like, progressive relaxation, reading, taking a walk, meditating, doing something creative. How you will know that you are ready to join the conversation is when you are feeling less tense in your body, you are able to maybe see your partner’s perspective or feel ready to listen to what your partner was feeling in the moment. In the timeout take time to reflect on what was going on for you emotionally and cognitively. If you both are still in adaptive child when you return take some more time to ground yourself and calm your mind and body. 

Jennifer Schaap

I like the wording of adaptive child because it helps give language to what is going on for each person and allows you to recognize times that talking more is not going to be helpful. We all go into adaptive child at times, so it is okay to notice yours and what triggers your adaptive child so that we can be insightful and take time to shift back to functional adult. 

So if you are ready to start tackling your family of origin BS, and want to work on your relationship, give our office a call at 813-434-3639 to schedule a consult today with Jennifer Schaap.