The Ground Rules for Communication in Your Relationship
The Ground Rules for Communication in Your Relationship
Do you ever feel like, when it comes to your relationship, you and your partner have misplaced the instructions that contain the rules?? You go round and round in circles, having the same arguments, but now the stakes are feeling higher than ever before. Well, here are our ground rules for communication in your relationship to help you get back on track!
Ground Rules for Communication in Your Relationship:
Speak from the "I". Have you ever had a conversation with someone and the other person starts the dialogue with "Well, you..."? It totally puts you on guard and on the defensive, right? It's not a productive way to start a conversation with your partner, so speak from your own experience and take responsibility for your thoughts and feelings, without blaming your partner. That last part, the taking responsibility piece, is challenging, isn't it?? But, the fact of the matter is that, although our partner's behavior might influence our response, we are ultimately responsible for our thoughts, feelings, and how we act on them. No victims here.
Stick to one incident. Ever hear the phrase "everything but the kitchen sink"? This is not the time to throw in every grievance that you've ever had with your partner, including the kitchen sink! Focus on one specific event at a time; otherwise, the whole conversation turns into a gripe fest and nothing gets resolved!
Focus on your partner's behavior, not their attitude or character. There's a difference between objective reality (behavior that is observable) and subjective reality (the narrative we create based on what we experience). When we start filling in the gaps of what we've observed with the story that we are telling ourselves about what we observe, we often don't realize that our narrative is not completely accurate. So, stick with the facts when describing an event. What would a video camera record? This keeps the conversation on point instead of turning into an argument about each of your subjective realities.
Offer clear, achievable behavior that would help. Not clear = "I want you to be more helpful". Clear = "It would be really helpful if you would load the dishwasher and sweep the kitchen while I give the kids a bath tonight so that we can watch our favorite show together after the kids are in bed".
Bonus Rule: Let go of the outcome. Whew, this one is hard! Have you ever played by the rules and then gotten ticked that you didn't win the game?? Letting go of the outcome means that we recognize that we did our part, acted in our integrity and values, and we acknowledge that, ultimately, we don't have control over our partner's response.
With these ground rules in place, be on the lookout for our next blog on How to Filter out the Noise in Your Relationship Communication.
At Harper Therapy, we realize that marriage takes a lot of work! We're here to help you with your relationship. Call 813-434-3639 to schedule your couples therapy session, or use the form below to find out more information about our communication workshop and couples intensive with Harper Therapy Co-Founders and Relationship Guides, Shamon and Yolanda Harper.
