The Anatomy of an Apology
Apologizing is TOUGH!! But the fact of the matter is that we are two imperfect humans in our relationships and we'll eventually (unintentionally or otherwise) hurt one another. Left unattended, these hurts fester and can poison your marriage, so it's smart to create a culture of apology with your partner. On today's blog, learn the anatomy of an apology to reconnect in your relationship!
Hi friends! Here’s your flawed, yet willing to improve herself, psychologist ready for a heart to heart conversation. Today I want to share with you how extremely difficult it is to apologize, in general and within a relationship particularly! Those three little words “I Am Sorry”, are so incredibly hard to say. And when we get the courage to say them, sometimes they’re not received as we intended them to be received, which leaves us even more frustrated and ready to give up this whole apologizing thing and just get on with our lives regardless of our partner’s feelings. I know I’m not alone in this!
So, let’s dive in. I have hurt others, in more than one occasion, with words, actions or inactions. It’s a fact of life that I/we will mess up, and admitting the mistake puts us in a very vulnerable position…who likes or wants to admit that they are not perfect?! Not me! But the reality is, that we have to live with the person we hurt, and we have to find balance in the relationship. Which got me to thinking, how do I apologize without minimizing the impact of my actions? This is harder than I thought it would be. It’s not a brainy step by step, it’s an open your heart and feel it in your gut process.
In my quest to fix what I had messed up, I thought of a recovery program’s mantra I heard many years ago “I accept my flaw, I modify it, and I won’t justify it”. Sounds like a good place to start…but when I tried it, it felt very one sided, very much focused on my process of feeling better by asking for forgiveness but not necessarily taking into consideration my loved one’s feelings. I went back to the chalk board and jotted some more ideas. I thought of what I would want out of an apology. I asked my friends about what they sought out from an apology, I read some articles on the process of apology and forgiveness…and I still didn’t find a clear step-by-step instruction but more of a guideline.
This is what I found, and when I put it into practice, guess what…it worked! Walk with me through my path of vulnerability and I’ll share each step with you.
First, I had to voice and express regret
Saying “I’m sorry” wasn’t enough. Identifying why I was sorry needed to be included. I had to base my regret from an “I statement” point of view. So “I’m sorry you were hurt by what I said”wasn’t going to cut it. I had to say “I’m sorry that I said hurtful things that made our relationship feel like it was not a priority”. Ouch, that hurt, but it was true…
Second, I had to state what went wrong.
And my friends, saying: “You are so sensitive, it’s not always about you”, definitely was not going to cut it! I had to frame it from my point of origin, so it sounded something like this: “I get hyperfocused on my feelings, I forget that my words and my actions impact you, and impact others”. Admitting what was going on in my mind, in my emotional state was not an excuse or a cop-out. It was a moment of self-awareness of my flawed process and it helped set the ground for the next step…
Taking responsibility
In my view, this is the most important step, and the literature agrees! Saying: “I lose sight of others when I’m hyperfocused. It’s not the first time it happens, and I now realize how much it hurts you”.
Fourth, if you can talk through the tears of the previous step, because come on…vulnerability is on display and it can be a raw process,
then moving on to the step where one shows and declares repentance follows.
It sounded something like this for me: “I am truly sorry, I learned something about how, when I’m so focused on myself, my words, and my actions impact those around me, those I love the most and who love me. It feels bad to be the reason why we are having such a rough time”.
Fifth, repair, repair, repair
There should be no pride standing in your way when trying to repair the damage done to the relationship. Words are important, but actions speak louder, so follow up with tangible changes in behaviors. I said: “I can’t say I will never do it again, because I’m flawed and I’m trying this new way of communicating, so it’s not completely natural for me, but I make a commitment to being more aware of where my head and emotions are, the words that I’m choosing, and how I’m delivering them. Know that I am trying, at every single time, to become a better person, and to not have this happen again”.
Finally, it’s time to request forgiveness
This is a scary moment, because the fact that you ask for forgiveness does not guarantee that forgiveness will be given. Also understanding what the person needs is key, for example, will the person need compensation? Empathy? Acknowledgement of the violation of the rules? All three? Or a combination of these? So with an open heart I went in for the final statement: “I apologize for being crash, for my tone and my hurtful words. If you find it in yourself to forgive me, I would appreciate that, but I know it may take a time for you to get there if at all. While you think about it, what would be the best way for me to make it up to you?”
At the end of the day, being aware that you have hurt your significant other, and you are willing to put your heart out to make amends should be your guiding light during this dark time. We will survive, and we will be better because of it when it’s all said and done. It is a rocky moment in your relationship, and if you feel like you need additional support, feels free to contact us at 813.434.3639. Let’s journey through our path towards Hope, Growth and Healing together!
