Getting Clear on Whose Opinions Matter
In a world of selfies, filters, and social media posts, it's hard to ignore the pings, bings, and alerts of likes, comments, and shares. And the more we post, the more conditioned we get to anticipate those notifications. At some point, we find ourselves not only anticipating these responses, but defining ourselves by how many "likes" we get! This social media world is especially complicated for our teens, and we can all benefit from getting clear on whose opinions matter.
Have you ever caught yourself leaving an event or a meeting and thinking, “Why did I say that? I wonder if they could tell I felt really uncomfortable there. Did anyone notice? Ugh, my shirt is too tight. I bet people could tell. Why did I wear this?!” These thoughts follow you long after you’ve left the event or whatever it is you did that you’re still thinking about several minutes, hours, or even days later! This happens not only in the real world, but in the virtual world as well. We post a picture or a comment, and wonder whether we posted the right thing or whether our “friends” or followers thought it was dumb. We don’t get as many likes as we usually do and we are sure that people are silently judging us from behind their phones or computers. It’s natural to be concerned with what other people think of us because as humans, we are wired for belonging and connection. However, when we let the opinions of others matter too much, when we let them drive our decisions and values, then we need to re-evaluate who we’re letting influence our lives.
First, ask yourself, “Who are the people I trust and admire?” Are these the people whose opinions of you count or is it the ones “out there” who you don’t have daily contact with. A tool that we love here at Harper Therapy is the 1x1 square tool. The people whose opinions of you matter should fit into a 1x1 square. You can carry this around with you to remind yourself that no one outside the box gets to determine your actions or how you feel about yourself.
A few weeks ago, I had to tell a dear friend that I could not go on a trip with her that we had been planning. When I told her this, I became fearful of what she was going to think of me and I worried about whether it would affect our friendship. She is someone who has made it into my square! As it turned out that she had another person to go with and that she was fine with me having to back out. Ironically, the people in our inner circle tend to have the highest opinions of us (and we should pay attention to their kind words towards us)!
So, the next time you find yourself talking to yourself about what happened at an event or in a conversation earlier and whether or not you made a fool of yourself, you can more than likely just let it go because the people whose opinions you’re worrying about haven’t made it into your square.
What about you? Who makes it into your square? Seriously, take out a piece of paper and give it a try. Tell your daughter about this tool and ask her for the name of one person in her square!
Need some help?? Don't worry, we all do! Join our Be Bold Movement, where we will help your teen daughter learn this and other tools, and give her a chance to put it into practice. Space is limited and seats are filling. Call 813-434-3639 to reserve your daughter's space.
Alina's super power is connecting with teen girls and helping them identify their own superpower and step into their worth. She can help your teen daughter move from anxious to connected and happy! Schedule a free consultation to find out how she can help your daughter.
