Lessons on Communication from the Divorce Boat
I never expected to find myself in a "divorce boat", especially not on a trip for our 23rd anniversary. Shamon and I had made our way to Titusville to have the bucket list experience of paddling through the water with the bioluminescence - magical water creatures that light up the night. I was so excited about the experience that I didn't think much about the way that we would see these sea creatures. So when the staff told us that we would be in the "divorce boat", a double kayak that challenges even the most connected couples in their communication skills, I kinda chuckled and thought "we've got this!" Oh, how wrong I was! We spent a fair amount of time being irritated with each other and paddling around in circles before we were finally able to move forward and enjoy our evening! So here are our lessons on communication from the divorce boat.
Granted, no one intentionally chooses to be in the "divorce boat" and so, when we're in those moments, we struggle with the fact that we never anticipated or signed up for these challenges! These are the situations where the Four Horsemen and their maladaptive forms of communicating are most likely to show up. So, how do we stay out of the boat as much as possible?
Lessons on Communication from the Divorce Boat
Know yourself
Know what you need and have an understanding of what your expectations are. Often times, we don't take the time to pause and think about what we're hoping to get from a situation, but this sets everyone up for disappointment! The act of knowing yourself takes extra time and energy, but it helps you get clear on what you want and what you don't want, and helps keep you out of the divorce boat!
Don’t assume that your partner knows what you want
You know the old saying about assuming? Another one of the myths about marriage is that, somehow, if our partner loves us enough, they will be able to read our minds and know what we want. Honestly, Shamon and I have been together for 28 years and, although I can make some pretty educated guesses at this point, I still can't read his mind -- and some of our most challenging moments together is when I think I can or he thinks I am!
Express yourself. This is where that vulnerability kicks in
When we express ourselves -- our needs, desires, dreams -- we're not guaranteed how our partner will respond. What if they don't "see" us? What if they dismiss us? What if our bid for connection is missed? But the fact of the matter is that we won't know unless we do (and we'll miss out on the deeper intimacy and connection by holding it in!).
Be open to hearing from your partner
Gain their perspective. Relationships are a two way street and it's imperative to hear your partners thoughts, wants, needs, desires, and dreams!!
Ask clarifying questions
- so you and your partner can paddle in the same direction. The first four steps are just the beginning of the conversation. Be curious and ask clarifying questions of your partner so that you fully understand and aren't missing any important components!
The truth is that these are skills that you will continue to hone throughout your relationship! We will likely never gain mastery on them, and we usually can use some support when trying to figure them out. You and your partner aren't alone when you find yourselves spinning in circles in your relationship. Let us help! Yiara can guide you and your parter to better communication and a deeper marriage.
Contact us for a free consultation, on 813-434-3639
