When the thing you love lets you down- navigating through disappointment in your marriage

I have a new love in my life.  An amazing hobby -- stand up paddle boarding (SUP). I was introduced to paddle boarding more than a year ago and admired it from afar. At the time, I was too nervous about not being able to do it well to give it a try (I have a bad habit of only wanting to do things that I'm already good at, which can make trying new things challenging!), but I dreamt about how amazing it looked and how much I might enjoy it.  

Fast forward to May of this year, and I was finally brave enough to give it a try. And I totally fell in love!!  It was as amazing as I had hoped it would be. So, Shamon and I bought boards and we started SUPing regularly. Sure, there were some challenges from time to time, but the inflating and deflating of the boards, the slide in the paddle, the challenge of carrying it to the water, and other little nuisances were easy enough to overlook as I found myself paddling with dolphins, manatees, and some of my favorite people.

Until Saturday. And Saturday sucked (I'll share more about that in a minute). And my experience made me think about how similar this is to our relationships - beautiful and as good as we dreamed they might be, until disappointment comes. So, today we'll share some tips on navigating through disappointment in your marriage.

Meeting Shamon was similar to my introduction to paddle boarding.  I had admired him from afar, was nervous about interacting with him, but when we did connect, it was like magic.  The first kiss.  Those first dates.  Those long conversations.  But the truth is that we are in relationship with other humans who don't always show up as the best version of themselves.  The truth is that sometimes the things that I do suck.

That was Saturday on the board.  We showed up at the water, and there was a shift in the weather from what we had expected. The water was gray and rocky, the wind was strong, clouds and raindrops hung overhead. And we were short our long fins, which help to steer the board.  Somehow, we had managed to leave them at home.Well that stinks... But just like in our relationships when there's an initial tinge of disappointment, we held on to a bit of hope and, because it had been a while since we had been on the boards and we were feeling a bit desperate, we decided to take our chances with launching.Big mistake.

Typically, it takes us about 15 minutes to paddle to where our destination was.  After 45 minutes of battling wind, rain, and waves (and with a bird along for the journey, mocking us!), we finally decided to shift our course to an island that was closer and in the direction that we were being forced.  So we got there, rested, had some lunch.  And then tried to journey back.  And that journey took us 1 hour and 45 minutes.Big sigh.By the time we got home, I was exhausted, frustrated, sad, disappointed. All. the. feelings. And, again, I was struck at how this is similar to our relationships (note that disappointment in our marriages does not include behavior that puts us in danger. Those are safety issues that need immediate attention). So here are my thoughts on navigating through disappointment in your marriage.

Step 1

Create some space to work through the disappointment

When we are in intense negative emotion, it's impossible to tap into our best selves and navigate through.  Mindfully acknowledge the pain and struggle that you're experiencing.  Otherwise, engaging immediately can lead to more problems!So, on Saturday, that meant me being honest with myself.  Yep, this stinks.  It's as bad as it feels in this moment.  I wish it wasn't like this, but here we are...

Step 2

Check the story that you're telling yourself.  

Check the story that you're telling yourself.  Although the present moment of disappointment is difficult, it does not completely undo all of the positive experiences that came before it.  So, on the board, I had to grapple with thoughts of "I knew this was going to be a dumb hobby.  Why did I ever bother buying a board??  What a waste!" While these thoughts are strong in the moment, they are certainly not entirely true thoughts.  The same goes for when we're disappointed by our partner.  When the thought, "What do I need him for, anyway??" pops into my head, I now recognize that as a reminder to take a step back and realize that this is my "stormy first draft" -- an inaccurate story that I'm telling myself about the situation.A more accurate story is the there are good and bad moments in life.  I've collected several good up until this point.  This one does not fall into that "good" category!

Step 3

Recognize accountability and responsibility

In any relationship, whether that be with a paddle board or with our partner, we need to recognize accountability and responsibility as a pie.  In any situation in these relationship, I "own" a piece of the pie.  And even if my piece is 2%, I need to consider the part that I played in the situation in order to improve the relationship (keep in mind that this accountability builds trust in our relationships!).So, what was I accountable for when my paddle board let me down??  A lot, actually!  Let's start with the fact that I left the fin, an important part of getting around on a paddle board, at home.  AND I still decided to go out on the water.  The shift in weather conditions was nobody's "fault", but I still made the decision to move forward, even when I knew conditions were not optimal.It's similar in our relationships, when we are honest with ourselves about how we likely pushed our partner's button, or insisted on a conversation when we knew that the timing wasn't optimal.  Being honest with ourselves about our part allows us to make adjustments in our own behavior to better set us and our relationship up for success in the future.

Step 4

Reminding yourself of the good experiences

As I was battling my way back to shore, I intentionally reminded myself of the good experiences that I've had on my board.  This helped me to refocus during my disappointment.  Offering our partner the benefit of a generous assumption and actively recalling their good traits allows the same in our difficult relationship moment.

Step 5

Make a plan

Disappointments often come from unmet expectations, so when things settle, huddle up with your parter and make a game plan for moving forward. Often times, we haven't expressed our expectations, so this is a good time to do that. And then brain storm about how you'd each like to do things differently next time! If you and your partner find yourself in deep waters of navigating through disappointment in your marriage, know that you have a lighthouse of support at Harper Therapy!  Use the form below to schedule a free consultation, or call 813-434-3639 to schedule your first appointment so that you and your partner can paddle together into your future!