How to Let Your Teen Fail and learn to get back up
Your preparation to be a parent began way before you bundle of joy arrived. You read ALL of the books (Remember the What to Expect ones?), talked with friends and family, searched the internet for any and all nuggets of wisdom, all to make sure that you did everything "the right way".
You and your partner made decisions about nutrition, breastfeeding, circumcision, vaccination, all in an attempt to have a happy, healthy baby. As that baby grew up, you researched developmental milestones. You followed your toddler around closely to make sure you were on hand if he stumbled.
You chose the best schools, made sure they wore their seat belts for safety while riding in the car and insisted that they had their shin guards for soccer practice. But now that this kid is a teenager, the stakes feel higher than ever. You're overcome with the fact that, now, everything goes on their "permanent record" (what is that, anyway) and are terrified that your beloved child will make a mistake that has lasting impact.
Mom, Dad... did you know that there are actually benefits to allowing your teen to struggle? Read on for tips on how to let your teen fail and learn to get back up (believe me, it's ok!!)Ok, if you're still reading at this point, you might very realistically be asking yourself "what the hell is she talking about?". I get it. Like many things we talk about at Harper Therapy, the idea of talking about how to let your teen fail is counter-cultural. Somehow, along the way, we have emphasized buffering our kids from hard experiences. Cocooning them so that they don't know difficulties or pain.
Unfortunately, this does not prepare them "for the real world", and quite honestly, it prevents them from developing a skillset that they need in life because, like it or not, life is hard. And our kids will go through hard things as they get older that we will not be able to protect them from. (read more below video)
At some point...Someone will break up with them. They will be fired or let go from a job. They'll get a medical diagnosis that rocks everyone's world. They'll find themselves face-down in the dirt and won't have a skillset for knowing they can get back up. And how is that helping them, exactly?
The first step in learning how to let your teen fail and learn to get back up is a shift in mindset.
Let's start by redefining the words "success" and "failure".
It's a shift from a "fixed mindset" that says:
I'm either good at something or I'm not.
If it's not easy, I'm not able to do it.
If I fail, I'm no good.
My ability determines everything.
to practicing a "growth mindset" that says
I can learn anything that I want to.
I can challenge myself.
When (not if) I fail, I learn.
My attitude and effort determine everything.
Growth mindset can be summarized by "Plan B'ing" it -- If "Plan A" does not work, recognizing that there are 25 other letters in the alphabet -- and is very much based in the brain science of neuroplasticity and growth.
So, "success" can be focused more on the effort and growth of doing something that the outcome of the event. This can apply to grades, where we have the opportunity to recognize that the letter on the report card does not always accurately reflect the effort and learning behind the letter. It's a "try your best" mindset instead of an "A at all cost" one.
How to Let Your Teen Fail and learn to get back up:
Turn "Failure" into "Practice"
History is ripe with examples of celebrities whose stories are not all peaches and cream. Oprah. Michael Jordan. Thomas Edison. The list goes on and on. Do you want to know why Thomas Edison is famous for having 2,332 patents? Because each one was a "failed attempt" or practice at reaching the goal of his next big idea.
Help your teen see their latest stumble as practice for what they really want. Remember that they had to practice rolling over before they could crawl, had to practice crawling before they could walk, and had to practice walking before they could run!
How to Let Your Teen Fail and learn to get back up:
Finding "Purpose"
It goes without saying that it's easier for use to work at practicing something hard when it has purpose and meaning for us.When the going gets rough and frustration kicks in, have a conversation with your teen about the purpose for doing what they're doing.
So when you see your teen not turning in their homework, try to tap into their greater purpose of completing high school (and usually the idea of completing high school isn't meaningful for them, it's something they "have to do" to get to what they really want to do!)
How to Let Your Teen Fail and learn to get back up:
Building Hope
As human beings, we thrive on hope. This is the idea of something better in the future. Hope is only possible if we don't quit! When things get really tough, sometimes we need reminders of the possibility of things being better in the future.
Parents, you can be your teen's "hope holder" and remind them that, as bleak as things look, there's always the possibility to learn and grow from the experience as long as we don't give up or quit (but resting is ok and often necessary!!).
How to Let Your Teen Fail and learn to get back up:
Give them Time!
Another way that this growth mindset, grit, and resiliency skills are counter-cultural is because it's an honest account of the amount of time it takes to practice, learn, and grow. In a society that tries to pretend that "success" happens instantaneously, the 10,000 hour rule still applies... it takes lots of time and practice to get good at the things that are truly important to us to be "successful" at.
So when your teen becomes weary and frustrated, remind them of the hours of practice that their favorite athlete has endured, the number of rejection letters their favorite author received, and the number of patents Thomas Edison has!
If you and your teen could use support in building grit and resiliency, contact Harper Therapy today. Our teen specialists, Chris and Alina, can help with an outside perspective and a special set of skills to add to your family's tools!
