Self Compassion for Anxiety
I first heard about the concept of self-compassion during my Daring Way™ Training in Brené Brown's research. In it, Dr. Brown notes self-compassion as a tool for helping ease intense emotions like shame, as well as using self compassion for anxiety. Honestly, this sounded a little woo-woo to me. Don't get me wrong, I'm a touchy-feely kind of person, but this seemed too soft. Then, I had the opportunity to hear Dr. Kristen Neff talk about her research around self-compassion and how we experience it as a positive affect (emotion, ie., it makes us happy) and how it actually helps us to engage in behaviors that are difficult for us in a way that being hard on ourselves can't. The idea totally caught me off-guard, but it's been a total game-changer. Like many of us, I'm more accustomed to the "boot-strapping" mentality so prevalent in our society.
You know the clichés:
"Pull yourself up by your bootstraps".
"Suck it up, Buttercup".
"Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about".
"What's wrong with you? Work harder!”
This is the polor opposite from using self compassion for anxiety, which includes three components:
Mindfulness
The idea of mindfulness is to be aware of our experience of difficulty and suffering in the present moment, without over-identifying or under-identifying with it. This is hard for many of us, who have learned to build a brick wall around painful physical and emotional sensations and experiences. I think, for the most part, we do this because we're afraid of going to the opposite extreme and swimming around in the muck and the mire indefinitely.Mindfulness is a "softening" around the pain. The fact of the matter is that unfelt pain doesn't go away; it simply magnifies and comes out sideways. Especially anxiety. Whew!As we practice noticing our difficult situation mindfully, and use self compassion for anxiety, we might say to ourselves
"This is a moment of suffering".
"I'm feeling anxious".
Or, my go-to
"This sucks".
When we acknowledge these feelings, they loosen their grip a bit. And we can remind ourselves that intense emotions have a life-span and typically ease over a period of about 20-30 minutes. This feels like an eternity when we're in the middle of it, but we can use the other two steps of self compassion for anxiety during this time.
Common Humanity
When we're going through difficult times, it's common for us to feel alone in our challenges. We think that we're the only one who feels anxious going into social situations. We're sure that we're the only one whose heart pounds when driving on the interstate. We're certain that everyone else has their act together and doesn't get stressed over work projects.Using self compassion for anxiety reminds us that we're not alone in the human conditions. This life is hard, and none of us gets out unscathed. This sucks, but is true.When we remind ourselves of the time that we noticed the person standing off in the corner at the latest get-together, or see the driver behind us looking panicked in our rear-view mirror, or overhear a co-worker at the water cooler talk about how they're not sure if they're doing an aspect of their job right, we don't feel so alone. Additionally, we can remember the people in our lives who are supportive of us when we go through hard things. They help us carry the load a bit!
Self Kindness
The last component of self compassion for anxiety is a practice of self kindness. Most clients say that this is the hardest part of self compassion, and I can definitely relate!!Self kindness is as simple and as hard as talking to ourselves the way that we would talk to a friend, a loved one, a young child, a beloved pet. The reason that this is so hard for most of us is that we talk to ourselves in a much more mean spirited way than we would ever talk to anyone else. Am I right?! Think about your best friend telling you about feeling overwhelmed with her to do list. What are some of the things you might say??
You've got this!
I've got your back!
You're so strong!
Take it easy on yourself.
Guess what?! We can say those same things to ourselves!
Yes, it's different. Yes, it even feels uncomfortable. But honestly, is beating yourself up all that helpful? Dr. Neff offers to following mantra that I've been incorporating into my own meditation practice. Try it out in your practice of self compassion for anxiety.
May I be safe.
May I be peaceful.
May I be kind to myself.
May I accept myself as I am in this moment.
If you'd like to work with one of our anxiety counselors, Alina or Chris, to help you build tools to move from overwhelmed to calm, cool and connected, use the form below. Or call 813-434-3639 to schedule a free consultation.
