Stages of Marriage -- Let's talk about the "messy middle"
You know the old saying, "It's a marathon, not a sprint"? Relationships are kinda like that! Now, I've never run a marathon. In fact, if you see me running, you might want to run, as well, because something or someone is probably chasing me. I hate it! But training for a marathon comes in stages, similar to stages of marriage -- the "dating" phase of finding the marathon, the "commitment" phase of signing up for it, then you realize what hard work it is to train. You question your decision to sign up for the marathon to begin with. But, when all is said and done, you're super amazed at your accomplishment. With that metaphor in place, let's talk about the stages of marriage.
Courtship
Ah, love sweet love! Those early days when you spend countless hours talking about anything and everything. When there were stars in your eyes. Your loved one could do no wrong and you were certainly on your best behavior. And Mother Nature's chemical dump of love hormones sealed the deal! Welcome to the first of the stages of marriage!Remember those times?? Think back to them now. The way you connected with each other. How you dreamed about your future together. How your relationship was a safe harbor in the chaos of the unruly world. How it was the two of you against all odds. Sure, there were bumps in the road as you got to know one another, but for the most part, each of you was willing to overlook the little annoyances. Heck, you even thought those annoying things were "cute" back then!So, that led to exhilarating and slightly scary conversations about
Commitment
Maybe the talk was about marriage. Maybe moving in together. It was all about taking the relationship "to the next level". Maybe it came after people started asking you when it would happen. Maybe people thought it happened too fast. But for you and your partner, it was the next step to take. It felt "right", warm, cuddly, safe. You could let your guard down and let it hang out in a more causal way than when you were dating. The relationship didn't feel quite as passionate, but that the price you pay for security, right?? But over time, this leads to the next stages of marriage
Monotony + Disillusionment
I call this the "time to make the donuts" phase. Remember that old Dunkin' Donuts commercial where Ralf's alarm goes off at the same time before the crack of dawn every morning? He looks exhausted, like he's on autopilot, but is doing what he needs to do to take care of his responsibilities.
job. kids. bills. chores. practices. homework. more homework. when did they change math homework. throw in some illness and extended family drama.
The list is endless, and the time, energy, and resources (financial and otherwise) needed during this period of time leaves less than scraps for the relationship. Frankly, we're exhausted. And grumpy. We try not to be, but it's simply part of burning the candle at both ends. We stop dating and playing with our spouse. Heck, there may be days that you barely even talk. Sex is almost non-existent.
This leaves very little opportunity to tend those waning embers of the relationship. And no opportunity to be generous with our assumptions of our partner. And because difficult conversations take time and energy to have successfully, we instead start fighting about whose turn it is to take out the trash or the way the dishwasher has been loaded, because we want to know that we still matter to our partner, and negative attention is better than being invisible.This is the stage of marriage where each partner tends to have the most individual growth and change.
We tend to become more wise and more comfortable with our authentic self. Without this understanding, and support between partners, this can lead to a major upheaval in the relationship.This is the biggest stages of marriage where couples are most likely to come to counseling. Things aren't horrible, but there's definitely the feeling that they can be happier. With someone else. Which means they're also most likely to end the relationship at this stage.This is hard to see as a marriage counselor, because I know that if a couple is willing to do the hard work, individually and together, they will move into the best of the stages of marriage
Deeper love
This is a much deeper, more mature love. This love says "I know you and see you, warts and all, and I still choose you because you do the same for me".This love knows the most tender, painful parts of the partner and says ,"I will hold you and not add to your pain. I want to be your ally in healing these wounds."It's the culmination of vulnerability and a breath-taking intimacy, body, mind, spirit, and soul.That's not to say that everything is ever all perfect -- those rainbows and unicorns are still a myth. But you've cultivated a practice to navigate through the rocky times, which leads to the last of the stages of marriage
Legacy
Remember Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs? As human beings, we must, at our core, have food, water, and shelter, safety and security, etc before we can reach the top of that pyramid -- self actualization. Think of this stage of marriage as the self actualization of the relationship. At this stage, you have more time to dream and play (but it's good and wise to incorporate these things in all of the other stages, too). You get to consider the impact that your relationship leaves on the world -- your kids, your family, your friends, your community. Think of holding hands in rocking chairs on the front porch. Or driving in an RV across country. :)
Which of these stages of marriage are you currently navigating through?
Are you in that messy middle part? Are you becoming more and more afraid that you'll lose all of the hopes and dreams that you and your partner started your relationship with?
There is help. But it is hard work. Are you ready to dive in? Use the contact form or call us at 813-434-3639 to schedule an appointment. Partner not on board? Schedule as consult so we can help with any concerns that you and your partner might have. (And know that couple's counseling is totally not about "picking sides" and is all about helping you each take responsibility for your own part of the relationship so that you can connect more deeply with each other!)
