Why won't my teen talk to me?
Do you want a deeper, more connected relationship with your teen? Do you want to be their confidant? Do you want to be the person they come to when things get challenging?
Yet, you struggle to get your teen to open up, much less to talk about the deeper things happening in their hearts and souls.
Let's talk about the purpose of a vault. A vault is a safe place to keep treasured possessions or documents. The owner is typically the one who has the combination and is responsible for putting things into the vault and taking items out of the vault.
As parents, we can take steps to become our teens' vault', their safe space, where their thoughts, feelings, opinions, and emotions are safeguarded.
What comes in the vault stays in the vault unless our teen takes it out or gives express permission for us to do so. Are you prepared to become your teen's vault?
You may be thinking, 'how do I become a vault for my teen? I believe there are 3 key components.
1. Unconditional acceptance. What does unconditional acceptance look like? First, acceptance is not endorsing anything and everything our teen throws our way. Instead, you choose to allow them to be as they are in that moment without condemning, correcting, or criticizing them. You are allowing it. You are making space for your teen's thoughts, opinions, and emotions.
Acceptance does not mean acting like everything is ok. Acceptance does not mean that you do not encourage change or adjustments. Acceptance is recognizing what is, at that moment, without attempting to change it.
When we accept our teen's thoughts, opinions, and emotions, it communicates acceptance of them as an individual. Let me repeat this, When we accept our teen's views, opinions, and feelings, it displays acceptance of them as an individual. This is imperative in building a safe space for your teen.
2. Non-Judgement with our teens can be expressed in an awareness that arises through paying attention and being present in acceptance. We have ideas and opinions about everything, continually judging everything…. Our likes, dislikes, right and wrong…black and white, good or bad, want, don't want, and on it goes.
We must cultivate discernment and recognize what is unfolding within our teen. Being present in a nonjudgmental way with our teens brings clarity. Being present in a nonjudgmental way with our teens is wisdom. Being present in a nonjudgmental way with our teens is understanding.
Try to notice the tendency to judge and recognize the veil that it drapes between you and your teen because we are observing everything through our own opinions. We develop a safe environment by showing ourselves as gently nonjudgmental. We must navigate through our judging so that it does not dominate our relationship with our teen. Rest in discernment and pure awareness.
3. Controlling Our Own Fear. Fear of something terrible happening, fear of the unknown, and fear of harm can cause us to not be a safe space for our teens. Trust might be built a little outside of our comfort zone.
Uncertainty, change, and struggle can all foster fear. Fear of loss, fear of security. Raising a teenager definitely breeds uncertainty!! The teenage years continually change from one season to the next, one year to the next. This tactic can rob us of an amazing relationship with our teen. It may be the force that drives many of our interactions with our teen. What if this happens? What if that happens?
4. No LEAKS!!! What you share with me, I will hold in confidence. We lose trust by talking about others and not being a vault when we share something, not ours to share. It violates and diminishes trust. You hold my confidences, and I have yours. We share things that are not ours to share to foster a connection, but it violates the anatomy of trust. The intimacy is built on belittling or breaking others' trust.
The vault fosters vulnerability. What is shared is theirs, and you hold that sacred space for your teen. It must NOT be shared.
Ask yourself, is this my story to tell?
I would LOVE to talk with you:)! Call Harper Therapy at 813-434-3639
