Developing Trust with Your Teen - A Two Way Street
Do you want a better relationship with your teen? Do you desire engaging and open communication? How about having a relationship built on mutual trust and respect?
Maybe you suspect that your teen doesn't share with you because they don't trust you? Perhaps you struggle with trusting your teen? Maybe there has been a history of trust violations because of dishonesty that makes it difficult to believe anything they say.
You may ask yourself, "Why won't my teen talk to me?" Are you frustrated with competing with the device in their hand? Are they closed off to you? Standoffish (that is a word:)
There could be several factors… there may be past wounds, not only for you as the parent but also for your teen.
It could be a busy schedule or a chaotic season where we hop from one commitment to the next, one event to another. Yet, there's no time for authentic connection.
Maybe there has been disjointed or harsh communication where emotional injuries have occurred… there just seems to be this wall that you can't get over with them. They are walled off or shut down towards you. This can be very painful as a parent and even scary….
We wonder what has happened to our sweet child, who was once running into our arms to greet us every time we walked through the door? They shrug off affection where they once openly embraced us and cuddled. It hurts. It's scary. It's disconcerting.
We feel at a loss, and it seems our efforts are counterproductive because our teen backs further away as we try. We then may begin to become suspicious….
Are they being deceptive? Are they using substances?
Are they acting out sexually?
Are they safe?
Are they harming themselves?
Are their friends' good influences?
What are they looking at on the internet?
And the questions and thoughts can go on and on….
I would love to help you develop open, trusting communication with your teen. As the mother of five sons, I have navigated these uncertain waters within a chaotic culture. A culture with devices in their hands, video games in their rooms, and social media competing for their attention. Yet, through it all, we can learn to cut through the chaos and connect with our teen on a soul level. I would love to offer you the tools to do so and assist you in navigating turbulent waters.
First, let's talk about the anatomy of trust with you and your teen. Trust is what I consider a loaded word! It can mean different things to different people. So simply agreeing on what trust is can be an excellent place to start. It literally gives you and your teen the words to communicate and express yourselves. Then you know you are having the same conversation.
Then, identifying the specific areas of Trust. With Brene Brown's BRAVING acronym, there are 7 distinct categories. THIS is where the conversation begins. Now we have a dialogue. We start with B for boundaries. We discuss boundaries in an open and transparent way… AND, Mom and Dad, you have to be prepared for feedback from your teen.
We start by identifying our boundaries. Your teen will identify theirs as well. Next, we discuss how we may have violated our teen's boundaries. This will immediately lead you toward a better understanding of your teen. Yes, you…. I never said it was easy, but we are fighting for the heart of our teen, so put on your armor of humility and let's hear what our teen has to say…
Learning to openly communicate, share thoughts and feelings, and receive feedback on how our words and actions have affected our teen, is key to beginning the transformation process. It will literally jumpstart the transformation.
The good news is that we were designed for relationships, and so are our teens!! But we do get stuck in patterns or misunderstandings. By making adjustments, we can have healthier patterns of interaction, new modes of communication, and a better understanding of our teen's needs. Yes, needs.
Our teens may need us to trust them. They may need us to make amends for something said or done. They may need us to allow them more autonomy. They may need us to be generous in our opinions with them.
And they definitely need us to restrain our fears so that we don't over-parent or suffocate them while they are learning to adult little by little. And guess what may change for you? It may change how you see your teen, communicate with your teen, and ultimately, your relationship with your teen.
Your relationship with your teen may be at stake. What is the first step? Call. Make an appointment. Be proactive. And get the trusting, healthy relationship you desire with your teen.
I would LOVE to talk with you:)! Call Harper Therapy at 813-434-3639
