Are you prepared to become your teen's vault?

I want an awesome relationship with my teen!!! Says every parent all over the world:) But your teen seems so far away….. maybe they are walled off to you? Or they don't seek you out for your opinion? Perhaps they even flat-out avoid you?

Why can you not get your heart's desire with your teen? Do you believe your teen's attitude is getting in the way? Maybe an addiction has come between you? It may be past words that have walled your teen off from you… Perhaps you all are so busy that there's not even time to share openly?

As parents, we are in a position of authority as we take home a newborn baby and begin to care for them and vigilantly protect them.

We hold the power.

We are in control.

We are the authority.

HOWEVAAAAAAAA, as our babies grow into children who then grow into these monsters, I'm sorry, I mean teens:) a different approach is needed to maintain our relationships. We go from a top-down, authoritative relationship to more of a coaching role. We become their biggest cheerleader and advocate. But this only works as we relinquish control over our children and allow them to blossom into all they are intended to be. Which may or may not look very different than what we anticipated. But, giving our teens permission to be their authentic selves is perhaps one of the most powerful gifts we can give them as a parent.

A big part of giving our teens permission to be themselves is to RESPECT your teen's right to their own feelings. UGH!!! Sometimes feelings are scary. Sometimes feelings are unattractive. Sometimes our teen's feelings may even feel threatening to us…. Threatening to our worldview or our values or ideas about right and wrong. BUT, the beauty of emotions is they are there to guide us.

Emotions have wisdom.

Emotions guide our decisions.

Emotions are warnings.

Emotions protect us from danger.

Emotions motivate us to act.

Emotions tell us about our inner world. Emotions allow you to understand your teen better.

So, as parents, we do not have a right to hijack our teen's emotions. We can not dictate what emotions are right and what are wrong. We cannot minimize them. We cannot maximize them.

We can respect them. We can accept them. We can validate them.

Interpreting our teen's emotions allows us to respond appropriately and build deeper, more meaningful relationships. It also allows you to communicate effectively with your teen.

So how do we do this? First, we need to show up in a non-threatening way… mom and dad, this means no agenda!! An open countenance and body posture and attentiveness, and eye connection will help our teens feel more comfortable expressing themselves.

We show respect by listening non-judgmentally by being emotionally affirming and understanding. Valuing our teen's opinions… EVEN IF they challenge us!!!:)

Trust your teen… why is this so scary for us? I believe it is our primitive drive to protect them. However, this primitive drive can ultimately suffocate them and drive them away from us. Trust includes respecting their right to their own feelings, their own friends, their own activities, and their own opinions.

Does this feel like a lot to you? Come in, sit down, and let's chat. Allow me to learn about the specifics of you and your teen's relationship. Let's ask your teen their perspective. It's the first step toward that awesome relationship you desire with your teen.

Can you picture it? Can you see driving somewhere with your teen and them sharing the events of their day? What about them pulling up a barstool at the kitchen counter to ask for your counsel on a friendship issue? Or maybe they flop facedown at the foot of your bed to talk about how confusing their love interest is?

What a privilege to have a front-row seat to the events in our teens' lives. And you did it! You changed how you related to your teen…. You learned to see things differently… you learned new ways of communicating acceptance and love… And the results? A new relationship.

BUT…. What if I don't respect my teen's right to their feelings? What if their feelings alarm me and move me toward power and control? Or denial or containment? What does your relationship look like then?

I would LOVE to talk with you:)! Call Harper Therapy at 813-434-3639.