When Is It Time To Get Couples Therapy?

Do you find yourself fighting with your partner more and more?  Each time you fight, you take a step back and you’re not really sure who you’re fighting with or why?  Through the hustle and bustle of life, your relationship just feels stale.  You’re not happy with yourself or your relationship and you have no idea how you got there.  This month I’m going to talk about relationships, the good, the bad and the ugly.  

A lot of times here at Harper Therapy, we get these phone calls where one of the partners is  in panic mode (and to be super honest, it's usually the husband).  By the time the husband (either partner really) is making this phone call, it's usually a long shot.  This is the one last thing they think they can do to make the relationship work.  Honestly, it may already be too late.  Chances are the other partner has been asking to “talk to someone” for years.  There have been so many disagreements and hard conversations that have been glossed over or swept under the rug and from there you find resentment.  In these phone calls, the partner calling can’t see what they are doing wrong and doesn't want to see what they are doing wrong.  It takes two to get a relationship to wherever it is, good or bad.  

So when do you get help?  The sooner the better.  Don’t wait for someone to throw out the divorce word or to get to the point where you don’t speak for days.  Listen, I get it.  I am divorced.  And my husband and I have been through our ups and downs.  I can tell you the times I can recognize that I should have gotten help.

1. Throwing out the divorce word when things get hard.  This should be a conversation between you and your partner about what divorce really means and when that should really come up.  Even joking about “when we divorce” who gets what.  At the time I was just being funny, but I look back now and I can see that I was planning an exit strategy without knowing it.  

2. Always having  a backup plan.  This is something I recently had to work through.  When my husband and I would get into big fights, I would go over my budget and see if I can afford to live on my own.  I have even gone as far as looking at apartments in person.  I can proudly say that I am going on a back up plan free for 3 years.    

3. Throwing out the divorce word when things get hard.  This should be a conversation between you and your partner about what divorce really means and when that should really come up.  Even joking 

4. Not having sex.  Listen, I’m not saying you should be all over one another every moment of every day.  And, there is a happy medium.  I can’t say there is a magic number of how many times a week or month you should be having sex, but if there is a lack of sexual intimacy, there is a problem.  

5. If you find that you are more annoyed with your partner than in love with your partner, it may be time to seek help.  Sometimes we get so wrapped up in this core negative image that we have of our partner, we block ourselves from seeing the good.  There are things that you have to give up in a relationship, the things that you have should be worth more then the things that you grieve.  

6. Feeling disconnected.  This looks and feels different for everyone and happens to everyone.  I notice my husband and I being disconnected, when I’m not kissing him goodnight, or we are not sharing stories in the morning.  When we are quiet… I know we are disconnected.  If you feel disconnected, your partner probably feels similar.  

7. If you just have an overall uneasiness about your relationship.  You’re having a great day, and then you look at the time and realize your partner will be home soon and your mood shift and you have to almost get “in character” for them to come home.

These seven things are not the end all be all of your relationship, but these are some signs that maybe there are a few things to work on in your relationship. If at the end of any of these points, you find yourself looking outside the relationship to get a need filled.  That can be sexually, romantically or even to feel heard or to flirt.  That is a sign that your relationship is struggling.  One of the things that we will discuss this month is how to have hard conversations.  Each of these topics are jumping off points for those hard conversations.   YOU deserve better, your partner deserves better and your kids deserve better.  

If you're ready to take accountability and make your relationship stronger give Harper Therapy a call at 813-434-3639.