Everyone has their own story

My husband, is a heavy breather.  When he gets up from the chair, there's a deep breath, if he is doing something hard there's a deep breath.  Sometimes when he is enjoying his dinner, he takes a deep breath.  Early in our relationship, I felt my whole body tighten, every time he took that deep breath.  I would prepare for something, and I wasn’t sure what.  I automatically went on edge, assuming I did something wrong and I needed to fix it.  Sometimes I would ask, “everything ok? Need something?”  His answer was always the same, “no, i'm good” or “Just enjoying my meal”.

  It took some therapy for me to realize that my father was also a deep breather.  But not in an “everything in great” deep breather.  More of a “I’m going to tell you all the reasons you disappoint me, make me upset” type of deep breather.  I put together that every time my husband took a deep breath, I was triggered to my childhood and getting in trouble with my Dad.  

I share my husband's deep breathing and trigger to show that these things can come up from the smallest memories from childhood.  Even things that you don’t remember directly.  You may be getting upset with your partner about things they didn’t do, but things that happened in your relationship with your parents.  Oftentimes in therapy with couples I talk about when you are having an argument with your spouse two things are going on; 1. There is an unmet need.  It is never about what's for dinner, there is a deeper need not being met.  2. The argument stems from your childhood.  

For example, In my house, like most houses, the age old question of “what do you want for dinner?”.  This question is hard for me because I’ve had to help people all day make decisions and work through what they want, and really I just need someone to make a decision for me, because I’m tired (that's the surface level).  It’s also coming from my childhood because if I made the wrong decision (even when it was small) I got the heavy breathing and disappointment from my Dad.  Really, my husband eats anything.  (Literally anything, come to session and ask me about the gasoline ice cream story).  No matter what decision I make, my husband will be ok with it.  But, I have some little T trauma where making decisions that involve others is really hard for me.  

Each partner enters the relationship with their own history.  I read a meme once that said, “Everyone has baggage, find someone that will help you unpack yours”.  At Harper Therapy, we work through each individual's story in couples therapy to help restore that intimacy and to help you better understand one another. 

If you are ready to work through what you want for dinner, give us a call at Harper Therapy, 813-434-3639.