We’re Doing the Best We Can and We Are Messing Up at the Same Time
This whole journey of finding yourself is hard work. I hate to break it to you, but it kinda never ends. I feel like I went through a journey when I started college (strict parents, went away to school, FREEDOM!). I went through a journey again when I graduated college and that harsh reality. Another trip appeared close to my 30’s, as I “grew up” and entered my first marriage. Then there was the divorce… Journey. Then there was a single independent journey, then pregnant, married, pregnant again, going through my masters degree while parenting toddlers and losing a parent journey. Then I turned 40. This has been the most eye opening journey yet. So yeah, I’m on like Toni 7.0… I’m sure I missed a few through high school that my parents can attest to and there are more to come.
What I have found is that I have my values and my emotions and my boundaries, and now I’m digging into the WHY of things. I’m a big why person. I like to understand where things come from and the purpose they are serving.
How do we find the why? FOOB’s. Or family of origin behaviors (or bulls$&%, whichever you prefer). This is where as a therapist, I listen to your story and your values and your emotions. I help connect the dots between that feeling in your body to a behavior you learned from your parents or because of your family. And then we put in more boundaries (Yay!).
We learn how to function in relationships and in society by modeling our parents. My parents never talked about emotions and it was not the most healthy relationship. It was a very old school, the man works and the wife stays at home and takes care of the kids. Through watching my parents, I learned that I need to keep my feelings to myself, and that if my husband is unhappy I have to fix it. That's bullshit. My emotions are real and by sharing them with my husband (and he shares his with me) we are more connected and understand one another. I have also learned that my value is not in whether I can fix my husband. I can’t fix him. But I can support him. Our parents did the best they could, and they messed us up a little bit. Now we get to change that cycle and it is part of our journey of finding ourselves.
Our FOOB’s, even well intended ones, can cause trauma that affects the way we do things into adulthood. If you want to get curious about your FOOB’s and how they are impacting your journey, give us a call at 813-434-3639.
