Identifying Holiday Triggers and Getting Your PreGame On
Does the thought of seeing that certain someone this holiday season fill you with dread? Maybe it's the home of a relative that never goes well? Or the office Christmas party that tends to end poorly.
Maybe it’s a holiday song that sends you to another time and place… a time and place you’d rather not visit. It could be a holiday scent or scene that causes your heart to sink or heaviness to settle over you.
Add in the pressures to conform to family traditions or expectations, then throw in our cultural traditions and expectations with all the bells and whistles…
Let’s top that off with some holiday cheer in the form of flowing beverages, and more family and friend interactions—- all the ‘magic’ may be a stark reminder that for us, it does not exist. The celebrations, cooking, decorating, and rejoicing for others may be for us the reminder of loss, loneliness, and even shame.
This can be the time of year when things from the past – people or places – have the uncanny habit of sneaking up on you when you least expect it.
First, let’s talk about what is a trigger?
A trigger is anything that elicits an immediate surge of a negative emotional or physical reaction. It can include a frustrating interaction, someone breaking a boundary (once or repeatedly), disappointment, a sense of a lack of control, difficult or unwanted conversations, financial stress, excessive responsibilities, and unexpected events.
Add in extended time with family members, seeing old family members, spending time with unsupportive family members, or family revisiting traumatic events to name just a few. Another trigger can be remembering the death of a loved one or missing their presence.
On a personal note, I can totally relate to holiday triggers. I have had years where the upcoming holidays filled me with dread. I felt I had so much to navigate. When my boys were younger, I frequently hosted my in-laws and other family members from out of town for the holidays. There were strained relationships, unspoken expectations, and sharp comments that I navigated through. Throw in family members competing with one another and having their own issues to navigate. The constant tension wore on me. Then add the pressure of buying into the ‘making every moment magical myth’. Having 5 sons, I wanted the holiday season to be filled with magic and wonder and family and friends, and a lot of love. Sounds great, doesn’t it? However, those unrealistic expectations had me harried and exhausted, tossing in a healthy dose of family dysfunction and I was one overwhelmed little mama. I liken the triggers to walking through a landmine. I never really knew when one was coming, I was only relatively certain they would come!
You may be thinking, 'how do I overcome triggers during the holidays? I believe there are 3 key components to getting your pregame on.
Identify your triggers and be ready to handle them. The first step to preparing for holiday triggers is knowing what yours are. Think back on years past to find them; then, you can come up with a plan. Do you have someone who always says that laser-sharp comment that goes right through you? Do certain locations tend to cause you to go melancholy? Does too much holiday cheer in the form of alcohol historically caused tearful reminiscing or emotional outbursts? By thinking ahead, you can brace yourself for any potential triggers.
2. Have a plan. For instance, maybe certain family members tend to get into heated political debates… plan for it. Your plan might include redirecting the conversation to more neutral ground, it may include removing yourself for a very timely walk, or volunteering to help the hostess. Disengaging to protect your peace may enhance your holiday experience. Maybe too much holiday cheer has gotten you in trouble in the past, planning for a non-alcoholic evening where you plan other yummy carbonated beverages and indulging in that triple chocolate dessert might help to keep you emotionally level and still feel that the celebration was celebratory but without the hangover!:)) Another option for individuals who are triggered is a little tactical avoidance. Planning to greet them warmly and then get engaged elsewhere to avoid the drain can set new boundaries for the future as well.
Had I had this information several years ago, there are a few things I would have planned. All of the above AND I would have had some statements prepared to redirect conversations or barbs from others that were easily predicted. Phrases like, “That’s an interesting point of view. Please excuse me while I hop into the bathroom.” “I’m sorry you see it that way. I’m going to go see if the hostess can use an extra set of hands.” Take time to develop phrases that are organic to you, that possibly reframe comments, and set a boundary to remove yourself from anything that feels toxic.
3. Use support. How about some support and maybe a little accountability to put your plan into action? Selecting a safe friend or family member to check in can make all the difference. Asking someone to shoot you a text to check in can make a huge difference. Or asking them to be available for a brief phone call if more support is needed may make or break the holiday event.
If the holiday triggers feel overwhelming to you, I would love to help you develop a plan so that you can better enjoy the holidays and life in general! Many times triggers exist due to underlying trauma. When the trauma is addressed, the triggers do not hold the same punch. Accelerated Resolution Therapy is a powerful intervention for such scenarios and I have seen amazing outcomes.
Does this feel like a lot to you? Come in, sit down, and let's chat. Allow me to learn about the specifics of your holiday season and accompanying anxiety.
I would love to help you with this!!! As a woman who has had to learn to navigate triggers, I highly recommend Accelerated Resolution Therapy to help resolve deep-lying trauma and free you up to enjoy life…. social situations, family scenarios, holiday seasons, and all!
Now imagine yourself getting ready for the Christmas season feeling peaceful and confident, maybe even excited to celebrate the season. No concerns about triggers, but actually looking forward to the season! Can you picture a very Merry Christmas? Can you see yourself feeling peaceful and joyful over the holiday season? Enjoying the simple pleasures?
BUT…. What if I don't take the time to address some of your deeper needs? What if you just power through the holidays and hope next year is better but find the triggers don’t lift come January 1st? Did you waste an entire holiday season and set yourself up for similar in the future?
I would LOVE to talk with you:)! Call Harper Therapy at 813-434-3639.
