Handling Loneliness During the Holidays

Have you ever been in a room full of people and had the most overwhelming sense of loneliness? And nothing seems to make it better. Home. Alone. Lonely. One of many people at a gathering. Lonely. Going through a typical day. Lonely. Get up. Feel alone. Lonely. Go to work. Lonely. Home for the evening. Lonely. Time seems to move slowly, and the atmosphere literally feels heavy. You feel isolated. You feel forgotten. You feel insignificant. You wonder if you matter. Lonely.

Loneliness is one of the most powerful emotions in the human experience. It is also common to our human experience. And, one of the most misunderstood and painful.

While it is somewhat universal, a sense of loneliness can be an experience that is unique to the individual.

Loneliness is not isolation though it may feel like it. Loneliness is not solitude though it may parallel it. Loneliness is not necessarily being without company though you may feel totally alone. 

Loneliness IS an experience of disconnection. Disconnection with self, first. Then, disconnection from others. Loneliness is pain associated with disconnection.

Loneliness is an emotion. 

Loneliness is painful. 

Loneliness is perception.

Loneliness is about intimacy. 

Loneliness is an emotion. Loneliness is not about the state of our circumstances, it is about our internal state. Loneliness is not necessarily solitude either. There are seasons and personality types that thrive in solitude. Many people who are isolated experience loneliness but people can experience loneliness without isolation. Many intense experiences of isolation maybe when we are surrounded by people.

Loneliness is painful. Solitude is not painful. Sometimes we need time to ourselves to regroup.

Loneliness is perception. It is a subjective experience. This subjective experience is unique to the individual.

Loneliness is about intimacy. Intimacy is about being focused inward. Intimacy has to do with the deepest parts of our internal being. Intimacy is also closely linked to trust and a trusted relationship. 

Loneliness is not about being physically alone necessarily. Or geographically removed. It's about a deeper sense of connectedness with self and others. This can be highlighted when we are physically alone or geographically removed from others but the root is in connection or intimacy.

Until recently, I have struggled most of my life with a sense of loneliness. The root of this, I believe, came from traumatic events in my childhood. Frequently, when an individual has been traumatized or abused, their mind has a way of coping with the trauma. The mind can dissociate or go away from the body to protect itself. If disassociation becomes a pattern, a pattern of distancing oneself and others leads to disconnection. Disconnection from self and others. This disconnection leads to isolation and a lack of a sense of self and.. you guessed it, loneliness…

And trauma can be any of the following;

*a deeply disturbing or distressing experience that impacts the nervous system

*anything our nervous system doesn’t fully process at the moment

*feeling we resist or push down

*a little harmful event like hurt feelings or a sense of not belonging

*a large catastrophic experience like the death of a loved one or a car accident 

Now all loneliness may not be in response to a traumatic event, several key factors may be at play. 

Unrealistic expectations. Sometimes we may assume that others are having a better holiday season than ourselves. On social media, people tend to share their highlights and ideal moments more than their heavy-hearted days. And… comparing this year’s holiday with ones from the past is no bueno.

Missing those who are absent. There are so many reasons why you might not be able to see all family and friends during the holidays. Larger families may have the complex task of visiting as many relatives as they can or splitting holidays every other year. Some people have to work over the holidays. Try not to take their absence personally.

Low Self-Esteem. When you think poorly of yourself, it’s easy to imagine that others will think poorly of you as well. This can cause us to disengage with others. If low self-esteem causes you to feel unworthy of other people’s love, time, and attention, that might lead to quite a bit of loneliness and isolation. Plus, even if you are around others and have good relationships, that chronic sense of unworthiness might make it hard to take those relationships to a deeper, more connected level.

There are different ways to approach loneliness. Here are some ideas that address your internal well-being and your external well-being.

Self-compassion. It is important to show ourselves compassion when we are lonely and hurting. Dr. Kristin Neff outlines self-compassion as mindfulness, identifying with common humanity, and being compassionate with yourself. 

We are mindful when we slow down and take notice of our loneliness. We don’t have a pity party, but we do acknowledge we are suffering and experiencing pain. Then giving ourselves permission to feel our feelings.

Identifying with common humanity includes recognizing that others are suffering from loneliness as well. The feelings of loneliness are very isolating, however, when we recognize there are people all around the globe having a similar experience, it fosters a sense of connectedness. Even registering you may have family, neighbors, and co-workers that feel similarly even as you read this.

Then demonstrating șelf-compassion is being as gentle, kind, and gracious with yourself as you would with a loved one having a similar struggle. Your thoughts and words towards that person would be affirming and encouraging, tender and thoughtful. Be those things to yourself.

Get connected.

Make plans that fuel your sense of connectedness. 

Leverage technology. When you can't be with loved ones in person, try phone calls, texting, video chats,  and Zoom gatherings.

Reach out to others who may be lonely. Most of us have acquaintances, neighbors, co-workers and friends who will be alone for the holiday season. Make plans with them. A seasonal coffee out. A holiday brunch. An early dinner or maybe a classic movie. Have fun and be creative with it.

Stay Healthy. Try to maintain healthy nutrition. Watch your alcohol intake, limit or eliminate the depressant. Keep moving that body. Exercise is a proven mood booster.

Stay Off Social Media. While social media can help to keep people connected, it may cause some of us to compare our lives to others. I recommended staying off of social media altogether during the holiday season, if you are feeling lonely.

Does this feel like a lot to you? Come in, sit down, and let's chat. Allow me to learn about the specifics of your holiday season and accompanying loneliness.

Can you picture a very Merry Christmas? Can you see yourself feelings content and grateful over the holiday season? Enjoying the simple pleasures?

BUT…. What if I don't take the time to address some of your deeper needs? What if you just power through the holidays and hope next year is better but find your loneliness doesn’t lift come January 1st? Did you waste an entire holiday season and set yourself up for similar in the future?

I would LOVE to talk with you:)! Call Harper Therapy at 813-434-3639.