I Must Be The Problem

As we talked about in the last blog, there are times when you find yourself in a relationship where the person you love is also the cause of your worst pain. Abuse is presented in many ways emotionally, physically, sexually, and verbally. No matter the type, you are not to blame for this. We need to start at the root if you are wondering why you keep falling into these toxic relationships. These abusive patterns you keep unfairly getting caught on usually start in childhood.

As a child, you learn to blame yourself as a coping skill when your parents are abusive or neglect you. When you are a child, you cannot rationalize that your parents don’t have the emotional intelligence or are projecting their own trauma on you. Therefore when they belittle you, blame you for their problems, call you words, do not offer any emotional support, and physically harm you, the only way to fill out the blank is that you are the problem and that they might be right about the awful things they say to you. 

As time goes by, you find yourself trying to do anything in your power not to make your parents angry. This leads to trying to please them with every request, even if it’s harmful. As you constantly look for their validation and support. Even if every time you try, your parents are cold and don't show a glimpse of emotion or validation, you still have the hope that one day they will see you.

Throughout your childhood, you keep hoping that your parents did not hurt you again if you behave in a certain way or take the blame for their actions. However, that never happened because the reality is that you were and are not the problem; you were not responsible for their actions, and nothing that you did could justify their horrible behavior. 

If this resonated with you and you still struggle to process these experiences contact us at Harper Therapy and book an appointment with an experienced therapist that can help you heal the past and set free from the abuse patterns.