They Won’t Hurt Me Again
We believe that those who love us won’t hurt us; after all, they LOVE us. Your brain cannot process the fact that someone who says they love you will hurt you. You find yourself making excuses for them, such as they were having a bad day, which is why they yelled at me. Or they would not have stayed out late; they would not have hit me.
It is so hard to accept that the person you think loves you the most could be verbally, emotionally, or physically abusive that you find a way to justify the pain and their actions. And this makes sense; after all, you have been conditioned by your environment and society to believe your situation is probably not that bad and some people have it worse.
You are taught to dismiss your feelings and not trust your instinct, so it’s okay if you are not ready to speak up about your situation or process the idea that you could be in an abusive relationship. The goal of this blog is not for you to leave your relationship but to understand what red flags look like in an abusive relationship and what options you could have.
Red flags:
If you are afraid to disagree with them or express a need, they will punish you. Punishment can look like giving you the silent treatment for days, taking away food or money, yelling at you and making you feel little, degrading you with words, throwing in your face all the things they have done for you that you never asked for.
Lack of reliability, they make promises they can’t keep. Examples: I will not hit you again, I promise. I will not yell at you next time; I am sorry. If you don't go out with your friends, I will not get upset (however, anything will upset them).
There is no accountability in the relationship. Everything is always your fault; you either make them upset or you are the cause of the issue. They will give you a list of reasons why it is not their fault and do not sincerely apologize. If they apologize, it just matters of time before they do it again.
They make you feel bad because you don’t devote all your time and attention to them. Taking care of yourself or doing things without them is “selfish” in their eyes.
When you have proof that they are the ones with the problem, they turn it around and make you feel like you are crazy.
They are nicer with other people than they have ever been with you, whether at work, church, or the park.
What you can do:
Create a financial plan to protect yourself just in case you decide you need to leave.
Find a place where you can leave and when it would be safe to do so, for example, when they are at work. If you don't have family members, money or support check the resources below.
Visit https://www.thehotline.org/. You can chat live with them, text "START" to 88788 or call them at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233). They will provide shelters and resources that you can use.
Metropolitan Ministries in Tampa offer free-charge housing for people that need to escape abusive relationships. They will help you find a job, go to college, save money, and get a lawyer and a social worker all free of charge. They accept kids and women.
You can also call or text 211 and explain your situation, and they will help you make a plan.
If you would like to regain your power and develop skills and boundaries to get out of abusive relationships, call Harper Therapy (813) 434-3639. One of our License clinicians will help you through this process.