Having The Hard Conversations
One of the things a lot of couples struggle with is having hard conversations. It's not something that we generally enjoy doing and it's so much easier to avoid. It's like telling your co-worker that they have food in their teeth or just letting someone know that you may have a different opinion from them. Not really something that anyone signs up for. Some of this can tie into your “Why” and stem from your childhood and some of it is because hard conversations are HARD.
One of the first rules of hard conversations is; it's ok to take a time out. Hard conversations come with a lot of emotions. Pause, take a break and walk away from one another. LITERALLY set a timer for 10-15 mins. Then come back to one another and try again. Maybe when that timer goes you know you are still not ready. That's ok too! Take more time. Just make sure that you come back to the conversation. Sleep on it if you have to, just don't go more than a day. DO NOT continue to poke at your partner if they say they are not ready to talk. That's like trying to explain to a tantruming toddler that the behavior that did is wrong. It’s not going to sink in.
The next step is the feedback wheel. There's 4 steps.
State the facts. What you say, what you heard.
The story you made up about it. We are wired for story. If we don’t have all the information, we will fill in the blanks on our own.
Your emotions.
What would you like to be different?
These four steps don’t always come out perfect. Even if you can say “You came home from work and didn’t say hello”. That's the fact and it made you feel some kind of way. It's a jumping off point for the hard conversation. I have had couples work through this and realize that once they got to the story they were making up, that was what really made them mad, and it had nothing to do with their partner.
In a perfect world this might come out as “1. You came home from work, didn’t say hello and went right on your phone”. 2. The story I made up is that you are mad at me for leaving my drink in your car…” and then we often spiral into being homeless under a bridge. 3. This made me feel sad, hurt and alone. 4. “Just say hello to me when you come in and maybe let me know you had a hard day and need a few minutes.”
The feedback wheel is a jumping off point for those hard conversations and can help you start to recognize what some of your own triggers and emotions are.
This month, I’ve talked about warning signs to start therapy sooner rather than later, finding yourself within your relationship, understanding the why behind your actions in your relationships and how to have hard conversations. If anything in the past four weeks has given you an “Aha!” moment, check out Harper Therapy. If you have landed on this blog because you googled “therapy near me” while your partner is sleeping, give us a call. If therapy has come up at all during conversation, GIVE US A CALL. Don’t wait for the big blowout to try to make things right. It's always better to start sooner rather than later. In the end it will save you both time, money and create a happier and healthier environment for you in the long run. Our number is 813-434-3639.
