Finding yourself within your relationship
When you first start dating someone, there is that honeymoon period. You can’t get enough of each other and you want to do everything together. That period eventually fades and you should each be able to be your own person AND be in a relationship. Just like we discussed last week, each person brings their own history into a relationship and you don’t have to lose that history just because you are dating someone.
I often share in sessions that in my first marriage, we were very clingy. Well into the relationship, after the honeymoon phase, we would text all day, every day, even though we lived together. I remember my partner would text me and tell me that they missed me during the day. I saw them that morning and was going home to them that night. I remember thinking “I don’t have time to miss you”. If I went out with friends, and my partner didn’t come, they would find a way to start a fight while I was out.
Looking back, I can see how these are all signs of me losing myself in my partner and creating an unhealthy relationship. I was not at a point in my life where I knew how to recognize what was going on or to verbalize what I wanted or did not want from my spouse.
Fast forward to the start of my relationship with my husband. He would text sometimes during the day. We both had fairly busy jobs and personal lives and sometimes wouldn’t text. At first I was appalled. Why isn’t he texting me all the time? Why isn’t he infatuated with me? Doesn’t he care about me? Then I realized… Maybe this is normal? Maybe this is what I prefer. Now we are married and we can go a few days without texting. I might text him and tell him to remind me to tell him a story, or can he pick up eggs at Publix. We definitely aren’t discussing that we miss one another.
This is the first time I realized how different relationships can look. I also realized that I have power over how my relationships look and feel. I think life can get in the way, and we all kind of lose ourselves a little bit and that's our cue to begin the journey of change and growth. If you are ready to start your journey, it does not have to be a solo trip. If you are in a dedicated relationship, it shouldn’t be. Your partner should be on the ride with you, maybe picking up their own changes or maybe they are just supporting you and learning how to continue to support you better.
It can be so easy to lose yourself in a relationship. In those early days, when all you want to do is be lost with that other person and then as your relationship grows, so do your responsibilities. But your number 1 responsibility is to yourself. Even when you have kids, you should be number 1 and your relationship should be number 2. If you are doing that, everything else falls into place. You will be putting the best version of yourself forward.
Give Harper Therapy a call if you are ready to find your individual self in your relationship. 813-434-3639.
