Feeling More Connected to Your Partner

In our relationships, our partner is important, not just for the obvious reasons but more deeply, they are the primary person to whom we are “attached”, both in the typical sense as well as the psychological. Yet, if we feel they are not Accessible, Responsive, and/or Engaged (ARE), that can result in our becoming upset, shutting down, yelling, or engaging in some other form of “adult” protest where the goal is to let our partner know just how upset we are. And when we feel they are not engaging in ARE in a manner that is satisfactory to our needs, we start to have thoughts of “this person is not here for me”, “he/she does not understand me” or maybe even “my partner is not a safe person to turn to when I need them”.

So, let’s break this down for what this means and what this looks like!

 Accessible – This indicates this person (whoever it may be) will be there for me when I need them. It is encompassed in the idea of “can I reach you when I need you?” In childhood, this role is fulfilled by our parents. We can turn to them for support essentially as-needed; however, as adults this role transitions to our partner, who assumes the task of being our support when we are upset and is our emotional “go-to”.  Needless to say, when this person is perceived to not be available or not a safe person to turn to, that realization can be very upsetting.

Responsive – In adult relationships, this can be viewed as your partner being emotionally responsive when you need them to be. Responsive can be both active and passive. An example of passive (yet effective) responsiveness is you having a fight with your parents and your partner then being responsive by validating your feelings and listening to you discuss what just occurred, with the end result of your more fully processing what has happened and feeling supported in doing so.

Engaged – When a partner is engaged, they are present not just physically but emotionally. When a partner is fully engaged, you feel heard, that they care about the content of what you’re saying and that they are giving you their full attention rather than per se, hearing (but not listening) and perusing Facebook or other social media. Being engaged is both a mind and body connection.

So, what can ARE look like in your relationship? Something as simple as everyone putting down their cell phones and actively engaging in deeper, more accessible conversation. Being transparent with one another about when good times to talk might be, or if that support is unable to be provided in the here and now (meaning that later may be a time when your partner can really hear you by being accessible, responsive and engaged instead of distracted). When engaging in conversation with your partner, explore what their objectives are for you hearing them, and what being helpful in this situation might look like. This directly addressed responsiveness in ARE. Would your partner like validation or problem solving? When they are discussing their problem, emotions, and processing the scenario overall, try to maintain eye contact, do not look at your phone or try to change the subject to make them feel better. Let them know you are here for them as they discuss what is going on. If anything becomes triggering for you or if you feel the conversation has become pointed or aggressive you are absolutely allowed to let the other person know you are feeling upset and need a timeout or you are feeling triggered and want to be present but need alternative circumstances to take place for that to occur. All this is under the assumption that the relationship is abuse free. If any aspect of the conversation is verbally abusive towards yourself or your part of the relationship, you of course have a right to leave the conversation, in fact it may be better to do so as any genuinely constructive criticism will be marred by emotionality.

Another action step you can take is making time for date nights which have a mandatory “phone free” rule. Coincidentally, there is a relationship deck app from Gottman you can download on your smart phone. If you have trouble coming up with conversations use the app to facilitate a conversation. The more connected time you have as a couple the more (ARE) you will feel and the more positive feelings you will notice.

 Seeing a therapist can also help with understanding the relationship cycle and possible barriers that are keeping you from feeling connected.

 So next time you notice yourself or your partner getting upset think, “ARE we receptive, engaged and responsive at this time? Or is something getting in the way of that happening?”