Can Sexual Abuse Happen in a Relationship?

Last night was wild. You had friends over, had a great fire pit going, wine and whiskey were flowing freely and everyone was having a blast. Friends left, you and your partner were cleaning up when partner grabs you and kisses you forcefully. You believe it’s the booze giving partner a boost. You oblige for that first kiss, but say, “no, not tonight, I want to sleep”. You smile and turn away, when all of a sudden there comes another grab and another forced kiss. This time, it didn’t feel as playful, it felt like an obligation, a demand. You once again turn around and say, “Honey, not tonight, I want to put these dishes in the washer and go to sleep”. Third time the grab was strong and rough. You didn’t like that. You turn around to tell partner that it isn’t funny anymore and next thing you know you are struggling to get out of partner’s reach but you are pinned, you feel overpowered. You keep trying to make your partner listen, but the more you say “no” the less you are heard and the more forceful the situation gets. It happens, you are forced to have sex, unconsented and even painful, and to top it off you are insulted at the end because of “poor performance”.

Next day you wake up, and try to make sense of what happened. Who do I tell, how do I tell someone about this? This person is my partner, is it even considered rape? The answer is yes, it is a power struggle and it is rape, and rape and sexual abuse can happen in committed relationships. It can take form of an every day sexual act that is not consented or other forced sexual acts. It can include forcing partner to dress and act in a certain way by means of threats of harm, it can be using degrading sexual nicknames, criticizing the partner, or demanding sex when partner is sick, hurt or fatigued. It can also include withholding of sex as a punishment and making partners beg for intimacy and intercourse.

You start associating intimacy and sex with negative memories, or it can trigger previous trauma memories from earlier in life, which in turn turns you off even more from being intimate with partner. It overlaps with emotional abuse as well, and you end up feeling unsafe and broken. Sexual abuse in a relationship will inevitably impact communication, connection and trust. It can even make a partner lose interest in sex altogether.

Marital rape became illegal in all 50 states as recently as 1993, so this knowledge, and the laws protecting us from marital rape aren’t even 30 years at the time when we are writing this blog post. This may be why when it happens it creates confusion and confusion leads to shame. Speak up, speak out, if needed call a crisis hotline to figure out what are the next steps to follow. Also start setting up your therapeutic support system which includes a therapist, a trusted friend or family member and a safety plan. It is a very difficult abuse to live and work through, but it does not have to be permanent.

This is a sensitive topic, and if after reading this blog you believe that you are living through any of these scenarios, feel free to reach out at 813.434.3639 to set up a therapy appointment. Let us, at Harper Therapy, be your home for Hope, Growth and Healing.