Leadership Negotiations in Relationships
Hello Harper Therapy friends! I have a question for you. What has been your experience in putting together a piece of IKEA furniture? Is it a peaceful communication process or does it look more like a verbal WWE fight! If you are like most of the couples out there, I am guessing it makes you reconsider why you did not pay extra to have it delivered already put together. This, is not an uncommon scenario. We have all been there and huffed and puffed and blamed the furniture, the silly allen wrench, and even the country of Sweden for the emotional melt down. What is actually happening is not that the desk is not cooperating, but that we are being faced with a leadership negotiation we didn’t even know we had to have!
COVID-19 has forced us to be in close quarters with our partners while we are wearing our “work hats” as we are working from home. Reality is that we DO NOT SPEND extended periods of time together under “normal” working stress. Work stress is usually left at work, and coming home is our oasis…not nowadays! This closeness leads to several realizations:
We have a need to establish “who’s the boss”, because unconsciously, at work we do that hierarchy ladder the first few days we join the team.
The power dynamics leads to arguments over the smallest issues.
Arguments lead to a wound in the relationship connection, and this leads to emotional distancing.
How do we save the relationship from impending COVID-19 or IKEA furniture building doom? Great question! These are our handy tips for today:
Identify your leadership styles. Is one partner more active and another the follower when it comes to a specific knowledge set? For example, I am not a visuospatial person, so when it comes to building furniture; I am the hand over the hammer, hold the screws and put away the empty cardboard person. However, when it comes to reading and understanding instructions, maps and filling out forms, I take lead in that one. Which brings us to tip #2…
Establish “tag times” in order for each of you to take turns on leading. Be introspective, identify your areas of strengths and areas of weaknesses and allow the other person the opportunity to do the same. Then decide who is taking lead at different points in the relationship. Pass the baton and follow with interest. Receive the baton and lead with compassion.
Speaking about compassion. Please, try to see your partner’s leading process with compassion and not as an attack. The sharing of leadership roles is not a billboard that highlights your “lack of skill”, it’s actually a billboard that highlights your “team work” ability.
Just because there are two different leaders in the home, does not mean that you will butt heads all the time, or that it will not work. On the contrary, two brilliant leaders can coexist wonderfully, as long as the three tips above are put into practice! If you want to give this a try, get yourself a piece of furniture to refinish together, or try to put together a simple bookcase from that big box store. If you find yourselves having a conversation while you are completing the project, then you have learned the nuances of negotiating leadership in the relationship.
If, on the flip side, you find yourselves wondering who had the brilliant idea of putting together a bookcase, and you are ready to call it quits over the project, then give us a call at 813-434-3639. Let us, at Harper Therapy, be your home for Hope, Growth and Healing for you and your relationship.
P.S. This topic came to exist over an actual building of furniture, so all examples are based on true life stories! No furniture pieces were harmed in the process. We hope you enjoyed it!
