The Importance of "Turning Toward" to Connect in Your Marriage!
What makes relationships work? That’s the million dollar question! Relationships that work tend to focus on the little, everyday things. We make “bids for connection”, which is how we verbally or non-verbally ask for our partner’s attention, on a daily basis. For example; a hand on the back, a sigh, smile, wink, a direct request for advice or help, asking for a hug, asking the partner to do something together. These actions help you connect in your marriage. The individuals in successful relationships have learned to “turn toward” each other more often, and more intentionally than “turning away” from their partners when these bids come up in their interactions. (read more below video).
The Gottman approach talks about the importance of how we respond to our partner’s requests for connection. Literally, how we look at them while they speak, how we turn our bodies towards them while we communicate, how we put down our cellphones and devices when in a dialogue. These are examples of how to connect in your marriage. The opposite of “turning toward” is “turning away”, which is actively ignoring the bid, not to be confused with “turning against”, which is acknowledging that a bid has been made but rejecting it. An example of turning against could be: “Honey, I noticed that you sighed, and you may need me to listen to something you have on your mind, and I want to listen, but right now I’m finishing up a work email that needs to go out. Can I sit with you in ten minutes with my full attention?”, and could or could not impact the relationship negatively depending on the type of rejection. “Turning away”, on the other hand, erodes the connection between partners because the individuals tend to not feel appreciated, seen, and/or valued.
How can you improve turning towards your partner and connect in your marriage?! Let’s start by creating awareness of our capacity of reading bids for connection. Can we see them quickly? or do we need a 10 foot neon banner to realize a bid has been made? Once this step is in check, then becoming more aware of non-verbal language (our partner’s and ours) as we learn to look at our partners while we speak, as we reach out and hold hands when they pat our backs, as we hug them when they look tired or defeated. Then learning how to make our own verbal bids clearer to our partner, for example: “I feel insignificant in this relationship!” can be rephrased as “when you keep looking at the phone while I speak, it makes me feel that my concerns are not important.” Finally, being honest with our own patterns, do I turn away more often than turning towards?
Our relationships survive on “Emotional Bank Accounts” every time you “turn towards” you make a deposit and connect in your marriage, every time you “turn away” you make a withdrawal. The more you deposit, the more the account grows! The Gottman institute studied newlywed couples for six years. At the end of those six years, the couples that had shown success turned towards their partner’s bids for connection 86% of the time, while those who divorced averaged 33%.
What’s your percentage? How is your Emotional Bank Account? Turning toward your partner helps build routines that nurture connection in your marriage. If you think that this is an area where your relationship can use some help, let’s keep the conversation going.
My name is Yiara, and I love to help couple connect in their marriage! Feel free to give us a call at 813.434.3639 to set up a free 15 minute consultation.
