Routines that Nurture Connection in Your Marriage
Routines become an important part of life when we're navigating through the Messy Middle of Marriage. The alarm goes off at a certain time each morning. There's the Monday morning meeting you lead at work each week. Soccer practice is the same three nights a week. The grocery store run happens Sunday afternoon. These routines are part of what keeps the wheels turning when life gets hectic. But, if we're not careful, our relationship can become routine and, well, bland. bleh. what happened to the spark? Before we know it, our marriage shifts from really great to just mediocre. So today, we'll share some routines that erode our relationship to be aware of, as well as give you tips for routines that nurture connection in your marriage.
Routines that Erode Connection in Your Marriage:
The roommate mentality. You and your partner are two ships passing in the night. Literally. Your primary communication in through text about what tasks need to get done and what needs to be picked up from the grocery store on the way home from work. The greatest invitation for connection is through calendar invites that you send each other for soccer games and business trips. You and your partner are basically paying the bills and dividing up chores between the two of you. How did you get here? Easy. Life gets busy and we stop being intentional about the relationship. Stay tuned for Routines that Nurture Connection in Your Marriage...
Not putting down electronics. Let's be honest, it can be so much easier to get lost in the online world than the work that it takes to make our relationships great. Checking work email reminds us that at least work values us (so we tell ourselves!) and it's easy to watch video after video of those adorable kittens! Not to mention that little hit of dopamine that our brain gets when we look at our device. And before we know it, we're face to face (or shoulder to shoulder or -- even worse -- back to back) with our partner and each of us has our heads in the screen. Not the most effective way of showing our partner that we care!
So, when we find these routines at play in our relationship, what do we do?? One, recognizing this is the biggest part of the battle so that we can be more intentional about creating new routines (find more tips below).
Routines that Nurture Connection in Your Marriage:
It's important to recognize that, just as the routines that erode connection didn't develop overnight, building routines that nurture connection in your marriage will take some time and effort. But not as much as you might think. And, honestly, they can be fun (and totally worth your time when you're feeling closer to your spouse!)
Update your Love Maps. Remember how, when you were dating, you and your partner had in-depth conversations about EVERYTHING?? You knew each other's dream vacation destinations, how you each like your coffee, and each other's favorite color. Knowing these "little things" about each other (and taking the time to ask and find out the answers) sends the message that our partner is important to us -- and that we want to take the time to find out what's new in our spouse's world. These can be little conversations that you have regularly -- perhaps by taking five minutes a day or an evening date night.
The 6-Second Kiss. For many marriages, the "kiss of death" is literally the kiss. You know which one I'm talking about -- the peck on the cheek that we give each other as we rush out the door or before we turn the lights off at night. BORING!!! (And no wonder our spouse feels like a roommate when we kiss them like one!!). Try a little experiment to hold that kiss for at least six seconds as part of your departing or greeting ritual. That will help mimic that release of feel-good chemicals that we get when we look at our phones, and you get to experience it with the real-life person who is most important to you!! If you're at a point in your marriage where a six second kiss feels too uncomfortable, start by holding hands or hugging (and definitely consider couple's counseling since this is a big red flag that your marriage could benefit from professional support!).
Nurture Appreciation. Let's face it -- our brains are naturally hard-wired toward negativity. And when we're in the thick of the Messy Middle, more often that not we can focus on the things our partner does to annoy us, or disappoint us, or hurt us. Given that, it's important to make a routine of noticing the things we appreciate about our partner (and let them know!). This allows for a completely different tone in the relationship, and you know the old adage about catching more flies with honey!
If you and your partner find more of the routines that erode at play in your relationship than Routines that Nurture Connections in Your Marriage, odds are that you could benefit from some support in creating the new routines. Our couple's specialist, Yiara, is a skilled guide for your journey of Hope * Growth * Healing for your marriage. Call to schedule your appointment today or use the contact form below to schedule a free consultation to see how Harper Therapy can help![ninja_form id=3]
