This is not the marriage I signed up for - myths about marriage

Recently, I had a conversation with someone who was angry pissed.  They were sharing a challenge they were facing in their romantic relationship and made the statement "Nobody tells you this stuff about relationships!"  Amen to that!  This conversation got me thinking about all of the myths about marriage, couples, and relationships that are ingrained in us, whether they're verbalized to us or not.  

Here are the top five myths about marriage.
Do any of these sound familiar?

Myth #1:  

They Lived Happily Every After.

Ah, those Disney movies where the prince rescues the princess.  They ride off on the white horse together and... they lived happily ever after.  Of course!  The relationship is all rainbows and unicorns.  They go on to have babies -- princes and princesses, who are perfectly behaved, you know!  The prince and princess never say a cross word to one another.  Their castle is always immaculate.  And the royal reserves mean that they never have financial problems.Ok, gag me with a spoon.  If only!  This is one of the biggest myths about marriage!The fact of the matter is that life is hard and messy.  Relationships are hard and messy because we're doing life together.  Life means crappy job situations and health diagnoses.  It means poopy diapers and sleepless nights and cross words because we're exhausted and stressed beyond belief.And we've totally raised the bar with our relationships.  They're no longer transitional -- you bring home the bacon and I'll fry it up in a pan.  There's much more emphases on romance and "happiness", but not many tips or guides on what that looks like day to day or what it takes to get there.  Besides, if my total experience of "happiness" rides on one person, that's a lot of pressure on the relationship!

Are there moments of happiness and bliss? Of course! And thank God for them.  They're what keep us going. But the happiness looks more like watching your partner play with your kid and the bliss is reaching across the car seats to hold each other's hand on the way to the next activity.

Myth #2:  

My partner isn't the same person I married

A little backstory here.  My husband and I met when we were 16 years old.  We were mere babes, in high school.  I'll save you the math... we've been dating or married for 28 years. That's a freaking long time! We went from high school sweethearts to middle-aged almost-empty nesters. To say that neither of us are the same as when we were dating or first got married is an UNDERSTATEMENT OF A LIFETIME!  (And another of those myths about marriage!) And I will say.  Thank God we're not the same people!  Could you imagine being married to a 16 year old??? (By the way, our youngest is 16 years old now and I cannot even comprehend... but that's another post for another day!)

As humans, part of our journey is self growth, maturation, becoming wiser and, hopefully, better versions of ourselves and getting to know ourselves better and gain experience. Relationships are about how my individual growth and my partner's growth mesh together.

The challenge is that the timing and pacing of our growth journeys don't always happen in tandem. I might go through a season of growth and change that leaves my partner wondering what's going on. My partner might go through a growth season that leaves me saying, "I'm doing my best to be supportive of you, but can you help me?"Hopefully, the paths of individual growth can converge again, to the benefit of the relationship. Unfortunately, other times we've journeyed down our own path for too long, either not allowing our partner to join us, or them not taking us up on the offer, and it's hard to reconcile the relationship.  But growing and changing as a person is not a deal breaker for our relationships!

Myth #3:  

If it's meant to be, it will be easy!

Honestly, when has this EVER been true in your life??That trophy you got when you won the Little League championship?  Hours and hours of practice!  That Valedictorian award at graduation?  Years of hard work!  The raise at work? Years of learning, hours of work, and lots of skin in the game.

So why do we expect it to be any different in our marriage?

Somehow, we've bought the romantic notion lie (or myths about marriage) that if we're with the "right" partner, the relationships will be effortless.  Bull.BUT!I will say that it doesn't have to be as hard as we try to make it.It's the "little" things that count.  John and Julie Gottman, who have research successful relationships for more than 40 years, call it "bids for connection".  Make each other a priority.  Put the phone down.  Listen.  Touch your partner, in sexual and non-sexual ways.Remember dating and courtship?  Do a little more of that.Dream.Play.Especially in the monotony of work and kids.  And the "time to make the donuts" routine (remember this one?).  If we don't connect, we end up missing the amazingness of who our partner is turning out to be!

Myth #4:  

My relationship wouldn't have this problem if I were married to someone else.

"Their partner helps with the kids and chores. Why can't mine? My partner is such a spender. Why can't they grow up and realize how important it is to save for a rainy day? For the love of God, could my partner figure out how to chew with their mouth closed?”

Remember those relationship gurus, John and Julie Gottman?  Their research found that EVERY COUPLE has what they call "perpetual problems" -- those topics where there's no easy solution.  The one that comes up over and over again.And guess what??  If it's not the perpetual problem that you have with your spouse, it would be another, just as frustrating problem with another partner.  These are situations that typically have a deeper meaning to them (you're not really fighting about the way the toilet paper goes on the roll or the way the dish washer is loaded), and that brush up against a "non-negotiable" boundaries or value for you.

The key is finding ways to talk about what's really going on, knowing that there's little likelihood for a solution, but a lot of opportunity to see and hear and be respectful of each other, along with some ability to accept influence and see things from your partner's perspective.And that leads to the last of the myths about marriage...

Myth #5:

“We need to improve our communication skills"

This is what I hear from most couples about what brings them into therapy.  And I get it.  It can get hard to talk with our partner because the stakes can feel so high.But here's the thing. Part of my job as a therapist is to "read between the lines" a bit, so I'm going to go out on a limb and do that now.When couples say that they want to "improve communication", what they're really saying is that they want to connect intimately and vulnerably.They're saying

• I want our relationship to be safe enough to have the hard conversations.

• I want to be seen.

• I want to be heard.

• I want to matter.

Whoah!  That's the invitation, friends.  In a world where marriage is less transactional and more about vulnerability, intimacy, and connection (with romance), THIS is what we're really looking for from our partner.

Want some help with it? Need help overcoming these myths about marriage couples and relationships? Give us a call today at 813-434-3639!