Hacks for Your Parent + Teen Relationship
Why is it that parents and teens have such a hard time getting along? Looking back on my teenage years, I truly feel like I need to apologize to my mother repeatedly for what I put her through...I wasn't a bad kid or anything, but my moods were all over the place!Most people blame "hormones" for the ups and downs of adolescence, however there is more to it than that, both physiologically and psychologically. First, the brain is developing rapidly during the teenage years. At this stage, there might be too many synapses for the brain to function effectively, impairing an adolescent's ability to make decisions, form judgments, and control impulses. So, the questionable decisions that your kids make or their inability to control their tempers may be a direct result of the way their brain is working at this stage!Basically, your teen’s brain is growing rapidly and, during this growth, there is a tendency to be much more reactive than responsive, with a bent toward the emotional. Fun, right?Apart from the physiological changes taking place during adolescence, there are some psychological changes as well. Erik Erikson is a well-known developmental psychologist who came up with the "Stages of Psychosocial Development". Essentially, he said that at different stages of one's life, one must overcome a conflict in order to move to the next stage...kind of like leveling up in a video game. At the adolescent stage (from the ages of 13 to 21), our kids are working through identity versus role confusion. Teens are looking to formulate their own identity while still living under their parent's roofs. They are learning to navigate the uncharted waters of self-discovery and finding meaning in their lives while still heeding the expectations, rules, and norms of their parents. No wonder this time can feel so topsy-turvy! For many, this can be a tough road to walk, both for the teens themselves and their families.Realistically, you’ve raised your teen with a set of morals and values and now, at this stage in life, it is their job to challenge your rules, which also feels that they’re questioning your values, as well! Yikes!So, the question then is, how DO you walk this line, both as parents and as adolescents? Here are some helpful tips for you to be able to communicate better with your teen and vice versa.
Show some respect - While this may seem counter-intuitive (after all, isn't your teen supposed to respect you?), remember what stage of development your child is in...they are looking to gain autonomy and being respectful of their opinions/wishes, even if you do not agree with them, can only help facilitate better communication.
Stay curious - Try to gain some perspective on where your teen is coming from. "Why did you decide to quit your job?" "What happened in Spanish class that made your teacher call me?" Just because you are curious does not mean that you are not holding your son or daughter accountable; it just means giving them an opportunity to give you their perspective.
Keep It Simple Sweetie - This is a kinder way of breaking down the acronym most of us know, KISS. While it is very tempting to get into lecture mode and to impart our hard-earned life experience onto our children, it is not always well-received (am I right?!). If we are looking to have a conversation with our teens about something, it is a good idea to keep it short and to the point. If they want to know more, they will ask.
Read more tips on how to listen so your teen will talk.
Show some respect - This was the first tip for parents, and it is the same for you. Trust that your parents love you and ultimately have your best interest at heart. Give them some respect for all of the hard work they put into raising you and for everything they have provided to you thus far in life.
Ask, don't tell - If you want something, make a request. In life, people generally respond better to being asked rather than being told. If you are looking to try something new or you want to do something with your friends, ask your parents and give them a logical explanation of why you want these things. They can either say yes or no, but your approach may influence their decision in your favor. Remember, flies are attracted better with honey.
Try to understand where you parents are coming from - Again, trust that your parents love you and ultimately want what's best for you. If you don't see eye-to-eye with them on something, perhaps there is something else going on that you are not aware of. Give your parents the benefit of the doubt and try to see what their point of view in tough conversations.
Parents, would you like some support to help your teen practice the steps above? Therapy for your teen can help! Our expert therapists, Chris and Alina, are skilled at helping your teen relate better to you! Not sure if your teen needs professional help? Check this out!
