5 Steps to Listening so Your Teen Will Talk
One of the reasons that I love our space here is that there's a lot of green, a lot of nature. We've got a beautiful little fountain out front and there's a pond out back and there's been a little visitor at our pond -- a little gator. I was taking Toby the Therapy Dog out earlier and I couldn't help but think how sometimes trying to communicate with our teens is a lot like being around that gator in the back of my office.
Since noticing my gator visitor, I've been keeping the dogs on a short leash; I'm kind of afraid that this gator will snap! I'm not quite sure what might or might not set the gator off, so I’ve kind of been walking around on tiptoes around it, being extra cautious and aware. I don't know about you but that's a how I feel a lot of times when it comes to communicating with my own teens. Sometimes it is more painful than having a root canal. So, we are in this together! Caregivers, mom, dads, grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles, and anyone who works with teens, who cares about a teen -- it's a challenge! I want to share some tips about how to set ourselves up for success in communicating with our teens.
But first, a couple of pre-tips! One, let's just make sure that we are able to show up as the adults in the situation as our best selves. That means being well-rested. That means being in a calm state of being for ourselves so that we can be ninjas in navigating through whatever our teens throw our way. Another tip is to make sure that as we are chatting with our teens, that we're engaged in some kind of activity to take the weight off the conversation. There's a lot of pressure to have face-to-face communication that could be really heavy and daunting for all of us, especially our teens. So engaging in an activity while communicating might look like having a meal with our teen, doing some baking, going for a drive, going for a walk, throwing a ball, playing with a family pet. Just something to take the focus off the intensity that can come from that one-on-one interaction.
So, let me share with you now: Five Steps to Listening so that Your Teen Will Talk. These are really steps of empathy. Empathy is the necessary groundwork of our relationships. It's where the magic happens. Empathy, and empathic listening, are skills that we cultivate. So, we’re going to give ourselves permission to practice, mess up, and circle back around to make amends and practice again, because we get good at what we practice, and our teens are worth the effort!
Perspective taking.Perspective taking is that old adage of walking a mile in someone else's shoes. We need to put ourselves in the place of our teenager.
We have all been through our own teen experiences. For most of us, that has come with a mixed bag of pleasant and unpleasant experiences, so it’s important to remember what it was like and also recognize that things are much different these days for our teens. There are a lot of stressors that our teens are facing now that we didn't have to face when we were growing up.Note your tendency to view your teen’s life events from an adult perspective and remember how big and important these same events were to you when you were a teen. We can be quick to say things like, "It's not that big of a deal. Worse things will happen to you in life. Just get over it!" But that's not perspective taking! We need to recognize that these things weigh heavily for our teens as they're going through them, just as they did for us when we were going through them. (Remember how you responded when your parents told you that the big zit on the tip of your nose that showed up just in time for yearbook pictures was “no big deal”?)
Staying out of judgement.For a lot of us, we are quick to judge. That's part of our human nature and a big part of our society!
As parents, we need to recognize that and take active steps to take a step back from that judgment. This means that as we are practicing our mad empathy skills, this is not the place for advice giving. It's really not even the place for disciplineand consequences. Now those things are absolutely necessary when it comes to raising our teens, and I'm not saying that there’s not a time for them. But in the space of empathic listening, of really connecting with our kids, of listening so that we can open the door to them actually talking, so that we can hear what they have to say, we’re going to just push the pause button on all of that and do our best to stay out of judgment.
And what happens if we slip into judgment? Ick! I’m sure you’ve all had conversations with people when you know that they're really not hearing what you have to say because they're too busy judging what you're telling them, right? It feels horrible! So, step right back out of judgment. Let's give our kids that space to truly be seen, heard, accepted and loved, to have a sense of a place of belonging, which is what we all need.
Recognize emotion. If you are super awesome at this skill, you're going to recognize both your teen's emotion and your own emotion. Maybe you could brush up on your emotions skills by checking out some of the feelings charts that can be found online.
Just know that when we are in a heightened emotional state, it makes it really hard for us to stay present. Ever yell at your kid for yelling?? Guilty, here! This is what happens when we become emotionally “flooded”. So, notice if you are slipping into fear, into anger, and practicing your own emotional regulation of grounding yourselves, coming back to the present moment, and really hearing what your teen has to say.It’s important to recognize what our teen's emotion are. For a lot of teens, and for a lot of us in general, anger, irritability, and lashing out are "safe" ways of expressing emotion. At least, they are a culturally anticipated and expected way of expressing hard emotions. But usually there are some really challenging emotions that underlie that anger, frustration, and irritability. A lot of times there is some fear, some grief, and other kinds of emotions. So, if your teen comes to you about a rift in one of their peer relationships, and they're coming across as angry and frustrated, they are probably experiencing that! But deeper underneath that feeling of anger and frustration is probably a fear about moving forward in their social realm without that relationship, a sadness, a grief, and a loss about that relationship. As parents who want to listen so that our teens will talk, we might start recognizing and even somewhat anticipating what emotions they could be experiencing.
Communicate the emotion that you think your teen is experiencing.This is where we can test the waters. We might be right. We might not be right! In your conversation, this might sound like, "Wow, Suzy, that's so hard what you're telling me about your friend! I can imagine that you would be feeling pretty sad!" And that's where Suzy can give us some more information. "No, I'm not feeling sad, I'm feeling really ticked off!".
Communicating emotion allows the person who's talking to us to really feel seen, heard, and understoodAnd that's where the magic happens. That's where the doors of conversation start to open.
Practice mindfulness. This means not over identifying with your teen’s emotional experience and not under identifying with it. So we're not going to be dismissive and say, "I don't understand what the big deal is! Suzy, your friend wasn't that good of a friend anyway and obviously she's not a good friend if she's going to do this!"
While that might or might not be accurate, that's our attempt to fix the situation and it isn't helpful when we're practicing empathy and being present.Part of this has to do with our own emotional experience. It's super uncomfortable for us to be present with people who are experiencing intense emotions, so a lot of times we will jump at trying to fix things, trying to make the other person feel better, when they really just need our presence.We don't want to dismiss what our teen is experiencing, and on the flip side of that, it's not really helpful for us to jump into the muck and the mire and swim around in it with our teen.
In our conversations, this might sound like, "Oh my gosh! I can't believe that happened to you! Suzy??!! How awful!" and "I don't know how you're going to go back to school and face things!!" That’s not helpful either!We can practice finding some middle ground between these two expressions and being present with our teens in their emotional experiences without trying to fix things, without building a brick wall and not acknowledging their emotions, and also without diving into the depths of the intensity of their emotions either. Mom, dad, caregiver, the fact of the matter is these five steps take a lot of practice. As people who have teens that we love and care about, we need to give ourselves the space and the time to practice these steps and to know that we're going to make mistakes.
These mistakes are not deal breakers though. What's more important is that we circle back around when we have these "empathic fails", where we missed the boat and we step into judgment or into trying to fix things.
That's going to happen from time to time because we're human! What's most important is that we have that follow-up conversation with our teen to say "Wow, you were sharing something really hard with me, and I really blew it. I apologize, and I'd like to sit here with you and hear what your experience was if you'll share that with me." It's also going to take some time to build this new way of interacting with our teens. The fact of the matter is that it is very different from how we usually interact with one another.
It's a great experience, and great way to build our relationship, but your teen might have a little bit of skepticism because frankly, that's their job! Their job is to have some skepticism. Their job is to practice pushing us away as they move into adulthood. We're going to be gentle with ourselves, show ourselves some compassion, and recognize that this is an opportunity to build some comradery with our teen. The more that we practice empathic listening and just being present with our teens, hearing what their experiences are, taking on their perspective, putting ourselves in their shoes, staying out of judgment, recognizing the emotions that they're experiencing, and communicating those emotions to them in a mindful way -- the better that we will get at it!Are you wondering if your teen could use professional help?At Harper Therapy, Chris and Alina are experts at empathic listening to help guide your teen through their experiences of anxiety, depression, relationship struggles, and guide them toward tools of healthy thinking, feeling, and acting. Call 813-434-3639 to support your teen today.
