When Life Becomes Groundhogs Day and There Is a Stranger in the Mirror

I like to think as people, we never stop growing. Not in the physical sense, but mentally, spiritually, emotionally there is always space for growth. I think we change as people, and that is ok. Sometimes it feels like that change happens overnight. We wake up one morning, look in the mirror and there is a stranger staring back.

I woke up one morning and realized I was married and not in love. I was married because it was the next step of our relationship because we had been together for a few years. From the outside we had a great marriage and there was not a “reason” for me to be unhappy. But I was. So, I self sabotaged. I made there be a reason for us to divorce. It was messy and hard and I was not always sure I was doing the right thing. But I will never forget the feeling of laying in my own empty apartment for the very first time. It was empowering.

Fast forward a few years, a new relationship, a new marriage, 2 kids and a masters degree later. I woke up tired every day.. I loved my kids and wanted them to leave me alone at the same time. I loved my husband but if he had a bad day, I had a bad day. I was lost in the muck of being a parent, a wife, a student and a professional. So I took a day off. I often recommend this to clients. For me, that looked like getting a hotel and laying by the beach listening to a good book and getting lost in that book. Not being a mom or a wife, just being me.

I share these snippets of my life because I don’t think I’m alone. I don’t think I am the only person to go through these things, especially as a parent. I feel like talking about being unhappy or feeling lost is dirty and not appropriate. I think everyone loses themselves sometimes, even multiples times and I think it is just a sign that there is a better updated version of you waiting.

One of the first things that I have clients do and I had to do for myself was figure out my values. What is important me? I use Brene Brown's Lantern exercise and talk about when you’re lost in the forest (life) things get dark when your flame (your values) are not close. Things get brighter when you have your flames by your side. I had to really dig deep about what was important to me. Authenticity is my number 1. I have to be my version of me. If I can’t show up as my foul mouthed self, things go sideways pretty quick. Your values shine towards yourself and others. So I have to get the authentic version of whoever I’m with. I don’t want you to feel like you have to meet any expectation when you’re with me and you just get to be yourself. I have found that your values are a key step in the journey of life and growth.

Over time, these values can change and adapt. It's just a sign to begin that journey. Over the next few weeks I will continue this conversation of losing yourself and not knowing who you are. If you find that you wake up in the morning not happy with the person looking back at you, give us a call at Harper Therapy, 813-434-3639.