Mom-ing expectations verses reality
Welcome back friends! Today we are discussing a topic seldom addressed, yet so very central in the life of a couple and a family. Mommy-ing: Expectations versus Reality.
You will see us in our video wearing crowns. Why? You may ask. Well, because we are imperfect Moms, trying our best to keep our children, our relationships and ourselves healthy and alive. In our minds, any parent that is trying their best, deserves a crown!
We have found that talking about starting a family is one of the stressors clients address in therapy. We know that in our particular cases those conversations with our partners were not what we expected them to be, they were a cold bucket of reality, they were hard, we didn’t know where to start or how to guide our thoughts in the midst of the emotional step that was starting a family. Today, we want to share with you a few pointers that may make the conversation flow better, and will get you and your partner onto the middle ground all relationships thrive upon.
Define what family means for each other. What does it look like?
Is family the two of you? Is it pets? Is it 3 children? Is it in-laws in the home? Is it friends who you have chosen to be family? There are so many definitions, and they all honor your feelings. We invite you to dive into this topic and see where you find a common ground. What do you each expect and what is the reality that you can achieve?
What did your Family Of Origin (FOO) do or look like?
This is the family where we were born and where we grew up. Sometimes our families have specific rituals, customs, ways of rewarding or disciplining. Sometimes our families are very liberal or very conservative and gender roles are strictly defined. Have a conversation about how it was to grow up in that family environment.
Are you “rubber-banding” or are you aligned with FOO parenting? What is your middle ground?
We use the term “rubber banding” because if you have ever pulled a rubber band to its limits you notice that when you let it go, it goes to the extreme opposite side but then it comes back to where it started and it hurts. Some people did not like their FOO upbringing and when the time came to choose a parenting style, they “rubber-banded” and went to the complete opposite, however, the original parenting style is there and unconsciously comes back to sting. On the other hand, other people loved their upbringing and want and exact replica of their experience, however, that would leave the partner out of the parenting equations. The key is to find that middle ground that has a bit of both without stinging or excluding.
Now comes the “Hard Pill To Swallow”!!!…once you have decided on family composition, remember that the couple relationship is primary! A child benefits from a strong couple connection.
This shocks even us as therapists, however the research has proven that when parents put each other first in the relationship, they are more loving towards the children, are able to have clear and productive conversations and once the children leave the home, they still like each other. Isn’t that what we are all looking for?! Someone who really digs us and who we really enjoy spending time when we are older and free to roam the world sans-children!
Maintain intimacy and connection with partner throughout the family life.
Make sure you make time in the morning or evening to connect with your partner. Conversations should be more than “who’s taking the kids to soccer”, or “who’s picking up groceries”. It should be geared towards voicing and showing appreciation for one another, holding hands, hugging, using the six-second kiss to let each other know that you are loved and desired, or any of the five love languages that we discuss in therapy.
We hope this blog open the doors for in depth conversation, and help you see that expectations are not always the reality, but the reality does not have to be seen as an entire life-fail. All of these techniques, and more, can be found in the Eight Dates book by the Gottmans’ and Abrams, and discussed in more detail in couple’s therapy at Harper Therapy. If this topic interested you, feel free to call us at 813.434.3639, and let Harper Therapy be the lantern that illuminates your path towards Hope, Growth and Healing!
