Leaning into ourselves
“Wait…I do not want that to be who I am”
It can be a struggle to fully accept yourself. Maybe there is an aspect of yourself you find incongruent with the rest of your self-identity, or maybe a quality you do not like in others, thus strongly dislike even the notion of seeing it within yourself. For example, you may have a strong dislike of observing jealousy or annoyance in others, and thus want to keep yourself free from these feelings as well.
“BUT wait that is not how I want to be because I am a nice person, or I am a humble person.” The truth is you are human, and you are going to experience all different emotions which may make you feel as if there are parts of you that you want to avoid. What I want you to take away and understand from reading this blog is simple: you are normal. It is okay to have times where you feel angry, frustrated, jealous, sad, selfish, and more. When we reject parts of our self or our feelings, we don’t end up getting rid of that part, instead we stuff it down, effectively making ourselves feel worse in the long run. Below are some tips you can use when encountering some of these unwanted BUT NORMAL emotions:
Accept the emotion when you see it coming up. Do not fight it because that can cause you to experience shame, shut down emotionally, or even feel your emotions in your body because you are avoiding a feeling (also known as somatic experiencing).
Acknowledge you see this part of you. That it is okay these feelings as present because we are imperfect humans, and everyone feels these from time to time. Notice you are feeling jealous or annoyed. I know this seems opposite of what you may think but once we acknowledge an emotion it can become “less loud”.
Provide yourself with a compassionate statement and approach the emotion with curiosity and kindness. Maybe it can be telling yourself internally, “It is okay I am jealous, and I acknowledge this part of me, and it does not make me a bad person” or, “I notice myself feeling annoyed and want to explore what is underneath that emotion”
Take a deep breath and ground yourself. Notice your feet on the ground, or your back in your chair
Decide how you would like to proceed from a behavioral standpoint. You can let the other person know how you are feeling, you can provide yourself with self-compassion if you are finding yourself comparing yourself to another person, or you can decide to end a conversation if you feel triggered or not in a place to have a respectful dialogue. You have choices on how to respond
We all have those parts of ourselves we wish were not there, this is normal. Instead of rejecting these feelings and burying them, try a new path! Try accepting these feelings with non-judgment and curiosity and see what changes may occur for you!
