Let’s Talk About Boundaries

When you think about how most women are raised, we are raised to consider our own needs 2nd or 3rd if at all.  So the idea of setting boundaries can feel selfish or unkind and this can make it difficult to have boundaries.  The work of Julianne Taylor Shore, Setting Boundaries that Stick explores this work and includes ways of working with the brain to make the changes become part of how our brain works instead of a thought or insight exercise.  Part of what we do in therapy is teach these neurological skills so that setting boundaries becomes how we are wired, and so becomes more comfortable and automatic. 

And why are boundaries so important?  Shore talks about how our brains work and discusses regulated and unregulated states.  When we are regulated our brain is able to share information between its different parts and is able to operate in a more complex way, synthesize information, work creatively, and problem-solve better.  More important, is that we are safe enough to connect with others and risk vulnerability.  Regulation is predicated on feelings of safety, or what Shore calls, “okayness.”  Safety, or the feeling of “okayness” happens when we have boundaries- we know where we begin and end when we have agency over what comes into our space, physical and emotional, and when we are able to hang on to ourselves no matter what is happening around us.

When we are reactive, we are in an unregulated brain state, we are in black-and-white thinking, make choices quickly with partial information, and behave in less thoughtful ways that are more based on survival than relationship.

The importance of boundaries is that they help us operate in more regulated ways.  This month we are going to talk about the different kinds of boundaries.  If you want to learn more about ways to set boundaries in ways that work with our neurobiology, reach out!

You can Call Harper Therapy at 813-434-3639 today!