Grief and the Holidays

When most people think about grief, they think the loss of a person.  Grief is so much more than that.  Grief can be the loss of a relationship, of a job, or even the loss of a hope or dream.  We have a right to grieve anything that we lose.  The pandemic created waves of grief that we are still working through.  The pandemic took weddings, travel plans and graduations.  Things that many of us took for granted, until we were told we could no longer do it.  Hugging family, seeing friends on a regular basis, getting a haircut.  The first time I hugged my mom after the lockdown, I cried.  I had no idea how much I missed hugging my mom.  

So how do we grieve?  Whats the first step?  There is no right or wrong way to grieve.  Some people cry, some people get angry, my brother beat up a tree when my dad died.  There is also no timeline.  Corporate America tells us we have 3-5 days to be sad about someone, and then we are back to business as usual.  I feel that grief is forever.  It forever changes you, and sometimes that change hits you hard and sometimes you just know its there.  

There is also the 5 stages of grief that are floating around.  Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  This is not a formula for grieving, it will look different for everyone.  I always thought acceptance was accepting that the person died, or you lost that job etc.  But its accepting this is how your life looks without this person or thing.  I think sometimes we forget to accept it, and just stay angry.  Especially when we are mourning the loss of something.  

Remembering is healing.  Your love for a person or a thing doesn’t stop because they died.  This is where acceptance comes in and while in your new normal, still holding space for those memories.  You will be triggered for your “old life”, that's your body reminding you of the love you had.  Sharing those triggers and those memories might bring a smile to your face.    

It’s ok to feel happy.  I say in sessions a lot that we don’t know how to feel the rainbow of emotions.  It is ok to feel happy and sad at the same time.  We can feel happy that a person is no longer suffering and sad that they are no longer in our life.  You go wherever your brain takes you.  We can be strong and fragile at the same time.  Sometimes we work so hard at not feeling that we throw ourselves in under or over functioning.  Under-functioning is when we avoid the emotions so much that we just lay in bed and get nothing and over-functioning is the opposite.  We avoid feeling by doing all the things and not letting anyone help.  I am the definition of an over-functioner.  I remember when my dad passed, I felt that it was the perfect time to take apart my sons crib.  He had been out of his crib for over a year and it was in our spare bedroom.  I felt that at this moment, when I found out my father was dying, it was the perfect moment to take apart that crib and rearrange that spare bedroom.  

Grief is hard and often considered a “taboo” subject.  If you feel like you are struggling with big emotions  or  if you have suffered a loss, give Harper Therapy a call at 813-434-3639