How to Communicate With Your Partner
Have you noticed that when you have conversations with your partner, they become angry at you for not listening, even though you are? Maybe this then makes you confused or feel sad or angry? This is a common issue couples come into my sessions with. In this blog, I’m going to go over some basic communication tools to help you feel better able to support your partner while also feeling better heard by your partner.
1st tool - ask what kind of listener your partner is looking for.
Or if you are the speaker, let your partner know what kind of listener you would like them to be. There are three types of listening;
Empathetic or reflective listening- If your partner is looking for this type of listening, that means they would like you to listen and validate their emotions. Such as “that sounds hard” “what was that like for you?” This is the listening where you just listen and do not give advice, problem solve, or go into talking about your similar experiences.
Advice giving- this is listening where the speaker is seeking out advice. If your partner asks for this type of listening, that means they would like suggestions or tools on how to solve a problem
“Sharing similar experience” listening- this is where the speaker wants to feel like their experience or emotional state is normal or appropriate. Here the listener (you) is most helpful by sharing similar times and situations you have encountered.
EX: if they were talking about being ignored by a friend, you could share a time you also went through a similar situation with a friend.
By doing one of the above three kinds of listening, you are learning how to best support your partner, and improving your communication. And if you are the speaker, you are giving your partner the gift of letting them know what you need in the moment to help you feel connected and supported.
2nd tool - do not talk at the same time about what each of you would like repaired in the relationship
When your partner is in a state of repair, that is not the time to mention what they are doing that is upsetting you. If you try to talk over one another about what is upsetting each of you, it may appear selfish, lead to more resentment, and no one being appropriately heard or supported at that time. During this time, when your partner is disclosing what they need changed or talking about their feelings, do not defend but yield instead. Let them know you hear what they are saying. Validate their emotions. For example, “I hear you are feeling hurt when I walked away.” Then like we discussed with the feedback wheel, let them know what you are going to try to do differently next time or ask them what they need from you right now. After they are heard, you can take time to discuss your feelings. Letting your partner be heard is a key point of communicating.
3rd tool - make requests not complaints
As the speaker, communicate your feelings and then move to request as opposed to complaint. Try to start with how you are feeling like we discussed with the feedback wheel, and then move into what actions you would like to see take place to rectify this situation. When letting your partner in on what changes you would like, do not lead with “You always leave the dishes out”. Instead try something like, “When you get home, can you please put the dishes in the dishwasher.” If your partner does not feel attacked or criticized, they are more likely to listen and participate in the action/inaction you are requesting.
Each of these tools can be used in different situations. The “what type of listener tool” would be most appropriate for times when your partner wants to discuss an incident they would like support or validation in. The last two are for times when you and your partner want to discuss something in the relationship that is happening that you are upset or have feelings about, and ways to appropriately acknowledge these feelings and ask for change to be made.
If you find yourself struggling with setting goals for life because anxiety, depression or trauma have left you feeling devoid of motivation or drive, please give us a call. You can reach us at 813-434-3639 to set up a free phone consultation or to set up your therapy appointment. Let Jennifer Schaap LMFT, at Harper Therapy, be your home for Hope, Growth and Healing.
