Feedback Wheel
In my last blog I discussed how a common theme I see is that couples will come into session and I will notice that communication is not happening and in fact, many couples are avoiding conflict. A question I then get after I mention this pattern is, “Well what can we do to fix this?” I wanted to share with all of you one of my favorite communication tools to teach my client’s, RLT’s Feedback wheel. Many times, I notice people are just not sure how to share when they feel upset in the relationship. I feel like the feedback wheel is a great tool to help communication flow and help one person share their emotions and what changes they would like made and allows the other person to be able to hear it without feeling defensive.
Steps of the feedback wheel
1. “What I saw or what I heard”- this is just the facts. This is would be like if you had a video camera to record what happened. Stating what happened without interpretation. It is a specific observable behavior
Ex: “When I was discussing my day, you walked away and got a drink of water from the fridge”
2.“What I made about it”- this is how you interpreted the event. It is important to discuss the story you made up about it versus telling your partner how you feel they felt.
Ex: When that happened, I thought it meant my feelings do not matter
3. “How I felt about it”- this is where you are stating your emotions. If your first emotion is anger take a look beyond that and try to figure out what is below the anger because a lot of times it can be fear or pain.
Ex: I felt hurt, I felt sad, I felt alone
4. “What I would like”- This is where you let your partner know what you would like them to do next time or if there is not anything they can do discuss ways you can figure out how to not make this happen next time
Ex: Next time can you please ask me if I need help with the kids
Things to remember
Before going into the feedback wheel ask your partner if they are ready to listen (do not dump)
Remember your motivation is that you love them, and the goal is to improve the relationship and communication
Let go of outcome- you may not get the response you like but know that you came into this conversation with relational integrity
Things for the listener
Try not to rebut or explain but just listen to what your partner’s trying to communicate.
Let the person know what you heard
Let the person know what you will give them and do not lead with what you will not give
If you find yourself struggling with setting goals for life because anxiety, depression or trauma have left you feeling devoid of motivation or drive, please give us a call. You can reach us at 813-434-3639 to set up a free phone consultation or to set up your therapy appointment. Let Jennifer Schaap LMFT, at Harper Therapy, be your home for Hope, Growth and Healing.
