Avoidance of Conflict
A common couple’s theme I see with couples I work with is that they are coming to therapy not because they are fighting but because they are not connecting or communicating. When I explore this more, I learn that are avoiding discussing the tough topics, avoiding conflict or not wanting to let the other person know when they are hurt, sad, upset or angry. Couples will avoid conflict usually because they have a history of trying to discuss a topic and it not working well in the past which leads them to give up. Another reason is, they may have a history outside of the relationship where they let others in on their feelings and they were shamed, invalidated or attacked.
Avoiding conflict can cause tension in your relationship patterns
The communication pattern I see when people avoid conflict us that they will not say something when they are upset and it will build up until they explode and their partner will in effect feel hurt, confused and as if they were set up to fail since they did not know a certain action or event was an issue in the relationship. An example would be, a wife hates that her husband does not clean up around the house and feels her emotions are not important because it never changes. She will notice things avoid, avoid, avoid and then one day the dishes in the sink get too much for her and she yells at her husband who did not know that she has been upset. He then may snap back or feel hurt and confused by her reaction.
Another example, is that in the past conflict has been an issue in the past so both individuals in the relationship avoid conflict and do not speak about the issue which causes the couple to not talk as much, start to feel more withdrawn from the relationship and cause impact in other areas of the relationship
Areas it can impact
When conflict is avoided that that can cause a variety of areas of the relationship to suffer. In the relationship, trust, intimacy and sex can be impacted. And with each individual person, they may notice that their levels of self-worth are being impacted and/or they start to feel sad or shut down due to the relationship dynamic.
How to fix these areas
Recognize not talking is more destructive so it is important to try to communicate when you are feeling upset. If this is an area you feel needs work counseling is a great option. In later blogs I will be discussing communication tools you can use.
Explore reasons why you are avoiding conflict. Is it because in past times you felt invalidated or is it because of past relationships or because of your FOOBS
Open communication with your partner about the cycle and let them know you would like to work on fixing it.
When discussing a topic pay attention to tone of voice and if you are making requests versus demands and if you are coming from a feeling’s perspective
Jennifer Schaap LMFT
If you find yourself struggling with setting goals for life because anxiety, depression or trauma have left you feeling devoid of motivation or drive, please give us a call. You can reach us at 813-434-3639 to set up a free phone consultation or to set up your therapy appointment. Let Jennifer Schaap LMFT, at Harper Therapy, be your home for Hope, Growth and Healing.
