How to Survive Co-Parenting
Hello Friends! Welcome to the Harper Therapy blog! This week we are addressing one of the biggest issues we have been asked to work with: Co-parenting. As therapists, our goal in couple’s and family therapy is to help individuals maintain their relationships, however, there are times when individuals and even couples come to us after a divorce trying to find a way to communicate with each other “for the kids’ sake”. We have also encountered individuals that have decided to have children together, who are not in a traditional family setting and have decided to co-parent. This blog is for all of you!
Are you in this position? Are you trying to establish a healthier way of communicating with your children’s other parent? Are you a child who grew up in a family that was divided and communication between parents was similar to war and you do not want to repeat that? Are you trying to do what’s best for your children without putting in jeopardy your emotional well-being? If so, let’s sit and chat.
Parenting is the gift that keeps on giving. Regardless of ending the relationship with a partner, if you have children you will continue being in contact with the person you decided you could not live with anymore. You are tied to each other for a lifetime of school recitals, birthdays, graduations, weddings and grandchildren. Acquiring co-parenting skills is a step into fair and healing interactions for this new lifestyle. Yes, we call it a lifestyle because you can choose how to live in this new arrangement!
Please understand that the beginnings of co-parenting are bumpy. We fall into our old patterns of interactions, and the FOOBS (Family Of Origin B.S.) make their appearance more often than not. We must start with accepting that we will have to be flexible. If rigidity is your go-to stance, let’s do some stretches, because you will be hurting at the end of this exercise! We must also start by humbling ourselves (not the same as humiliating ourselves, beware!) and acknowledge that there are no “right or wrong” ways when it comes to co-parenting. Your way and your ex-partner’s/co-parent’s way can both be correct, so how do we agree?...it all depends on communication.
But wait! Communication, or lack thereof, was the reason why you got separated, right?! Most likely it was. So before we start anything, we are going to encourage you to take a look into your communication styles, even your love languages. By understanding your pattern, and your ex-partner’s pattern you will be better able to understand why you react in a certain way when addressing an issue, or why your co-parent reacts as well. Let me give you an example to clarify; if your love language is quality time and your child’s parent’s love language is receiving gifts, you will most likely be infuriated if the other parent wants to return the child before the scheduled time but returns them full of toys. It could be an argument waiting to happen. However, if we understand that we have different love languages, these incidents are seen in a different light. If you are interested in learning more about love languages, feel free to check out Dr. Gary Chapman’s literature and even the app on your smart phone. Here at the office, we use it with couples on a daily basis.
Now on to what steps would help the co-parenting process:
Use the mediator/court designated ruling as the guide for time spent with children, money distribution and other arrangements. Be as human as you can be around a legal document and understand that it is not a weapon. It is a plan that is set in action in order to benefit the children.
Revisit love languages and communication styles, yours and the other parent’s as well. This way you will be better able to understand where you and the other co-parent are coming from and ways in which you can communicate clearer.
Either let go of expectations or talk about what you expect from each other in order to minimize disappointment that can lead to anger.
Share a co-parenting calendar. Discuss sleepover arrangements for special dates such as family reunions, grandma’s birthday or when one of you has to be out of town at a conference during the dates you are supposed to have the children. These arrangements should be made ahead of time, and this is where flexibility is key. Swapping dates in order to help the other parent succeed in their career only benefits the children in the long run. Being flexible in swapping dates so that children can spend time with special family members that are coming in from out of town, is also beneficial for the children. However, as adults, these plans should not be sprung at the last moment. Arrange changes well in advance so that the other co-parent can adjust to the change, and also, do not feel personally attacked if the other parent says that they can’t switch because they already had important plans set out. Share important school dates and events, even if you know that the other parent can’t go. This will help the two of you to remain involved in your child’s coming and goings.
When an issue comes up, address the issue with the Gottman approach on how to agree to disagree (found in the Eight Dates book by The Gottman’s and The Abrams).
Take turns to talk about what feelings were evoked by the incident.
Share how each of you perceived the situation and validate each other’s reality.
Talk about what it triggered.
Accept responsibility for how your response could have impacted the co-parenting.
Discuss how to do things differently next time.
Final step, is the golden rule for co-parenting…children are not messengers between parents, and we should keep our opinions of our ex-partner to ourselves! Children are always around, and when we put down our ex-partner we are putting down 50% of who our children are. Be judicious in words and actions!
If you are in a situation where co-parenting skills need to be implemented. Give us a call at 813-434-3639 to schedule your appointment with Yiara Blanco. It can be individual or if the other parent is open to it, it can be a co-parent’s session or if you have step-parents involved, it can be a blended co-parenting session! Let us at Harper Therapy be your home for Growth, Hope and Healing.
